Hey Mom!

Hey Mom! So I've found a compelling reason to shave my legs. Now before anyone gets upset I would like to state the following: Calm your nuggets, Barbara . Shave your legs. Don't shave your legs. I don't care what you do with your haunches.  As you know, I'm pretty ambivalent when it comes to leg-shaving. I shave my legs when I go clothing shopping because it makes the process more aerodynamic. I shave my legs when I want to listen to music but also pretend like I'm being productive. I also don't shave my legs more than 2-3 times a year because it's not really a priority in my life. Now, I know what you're thinking: Hey Tarantula Legs, none of those sound like compelling reasons to shave. First of all, rude! Secondly, I'm getting to that, Duncan, let me craft my narrative! Today was my first workout in awhile. So I decided (was forced to by the incompetent flesh sacks that are my lungs) to keep it short. Having recently come to possess some ...

Hey Mom! So I thought with all the casket talk last week, I would lighten the mood with a post about Christmas baking. I made my foray into the world of Christmas baking last year and I actually found myself looking forward to it this year. As it turns out it is very difficult to mess up baking which makes it exactly within my wheel house... or so I thought. DUH DUH DAHHHHHHHH <-- Please imagine Belt from The Croods during this part, would have been easier if I had told you before? Yes. Am I going to change because I'm still actively writing this post? Absolutely not. So there I am, frantically stirring caramels. The seething mass of brown delight -hmm... that didn't really denote the gustatory euphoria I was hoping but we're moving on- is so close to being ready. Much like a surfer, I ride the wave, precariously balanced between perfection and utter destruction. That is until the candy thermometer flipped and I was knocked off my proverbial surf board and into t...

Hey Mom! So I was googling the price of a casket the other day. Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, even for you that's a bit morbid. Listen, liiiisten, liiiiistennnnn: Someone told me how expensive funerals are and I absolutely could not believe it. Who do they think we are? Some kind of pharaoh?! So what other recourse did I have? I had to turn to the internet to substantiate such a wild claim. So anyway, there I am, on the google, when I came across CasketDepot.ca That's right ladies and gentlemen, there is a one stop shop for all your casket needs (now accepting PayPal and Air Miles). I'm not entirely sure why I find shopping for a casket in the comfort of my own home so wholly unsettling. But what other option do we have? Imagine trying to shop for a casket with a salesperson hovering around you. "Can I help you with anything?" "No thank you, you gaunt gatekeeper of after-life boxes! Stay away from me--" *squints at gloss fini...

Hey Mom! So I thought long and hard about whether this is appropriate to post. Now, I know what you're thinking: Mack, you posted about dropping your menstrual cup in the toilet. What could possibly more inappropriate? Excellent question! I laughed during a Remembrance Day ceremony this year. Now, you're probably horrified (as you should be)... please allow me to explain: A local government official got up to speak and after they were finished they announced that their family had prepared a song that they would like to dedicate to the soldiers. So they start singing an a cappella version of 'You Raise Me Up'. At this point, it was not funny and no one was laughing. Now I consider myself to be a relatively tone-deaf person, so when I say it was off-key, it was off key. As you may or may not know, that song is not a short song.  At this point, it was not funny and no one was laughing.  It's snowing, the high school band kids have no mittens and Josh Groban is...

Hey Mom! So the scariest thing this Halloween was surprisingly not the haunted houses, costumes or terrifying movies. I actually traumatized myself this year. Now Mom, I know this blog is generally directed at you but you might actually want to skip this one. Ok... you had your chance! I DROPPED MY MENSTRUAL CUP IN THE TOILET! This is a menstrual cup. It was red when I bought it. Calm down. Now I know what you're thinking Mack, seriously?!? Period talk? Gross. YES IT IS! YOU HAVEN'T LET ME FINISH TELLING MY STORY,  LYLE! So anyway, I drop the cup into the toilet. At this point, I have resigned myself to the fact that this cup is garbage now. No amount of sanitization will restore my peace of mind. So I decide to try to use the toilet brush to scoop it out. IT ROLLS BACKWARD. So now I can't see it. It's gone. I repeat: THE RED OCTOBER IS MIA! I am not going to lie to you, I stood there for 10 solid minutes seriously considering whether to flush it d...

Hey Mom! So this is going to be a weird(er than usual) one, I'm just going to jump right in. I had this weird memory from my childhood sneak up on me the other day: In the third grade, this kid wore a black magic glove all day (now you are probably imagining a sequined magician's glove, I'm talking about those 99 cent gloves that we all wore under our mittens when we went tobogganing).  Behold! The magic glove! The teacher was all "Dude, what's with the glove?" and apparently he had burned his hand and so his Mom put a bandaid on it, covered it with the glove and told him not to take it off for ANY REASON. The teacher is all "Ok that's weird but good luck that." and carries on with her day. But then we get to gym class and this kid has a full on yelling match with the gym teacher re: the magic glove. The gym teacher tells him the glove is unnecessary, he says he is not allowed to take the glove off for ANY REASON.  Eventually, the g...

Hey Mom! The last time I lost my temper was 2014. I'm telling you this because I know that this blog takes on a ranty tone every now and again which might lead you to believe I have the tendency to fly off the handle. Typically, this is not the case. But on this day, October 9th, 2018, I was tested.  I raised my voice at someone at work today. Not because they were a little hard of hearing. Not because I was excited that we got a new skeleton foot in. Because my patience was gone and my customer service voice went with it. So now what? I'm so glad you asked. I JUST LISTENED TO DISTURBED AND I'M READY TO FIGHT, MY DUDES! So I've compiled a list of people that, in this moment, I'd like to use my rage momentum to start a fight with. The guy at the Costco gas bar who pulled up ten feet away from the pump and then standing in the middle of the thru-lane because his gas tank is on the opposite side. THREE people could've nourished their car with earth...

Hey Mom! So the first week of classes has come and gone and the first few days were like this: "There aren't enough hours in the day! Look at all the books I could lose! I would have to tear down the entire amazon rainforest to generate enough cue cards for this course!" This is 1600 of 1800 cue cards that I purchased... time will tell if this was overkill Now if I'm honest (and I'm nothing if not honest), I have a flair for the dramatic.... well actually it's a flare for the dramatic... it's a stick on fire that I wave around while yelling "LOOK, LOOK AT THIS!"  ***EDUCATING THE YOUTHS ON THE NUANCES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WHILE ALSO DEMONSTRATING TERRIBLE USE OF THE COMMA 4X MULTIPLIER*** Anyway, Saturday rolled around and I finally morphed into my  I dare you form.  Some would say this is because I'm competitive, others would say it's because I've lost my ever-loving mind. Frankly, I don't care the reason because...

Hey Mom! So last week it might not surprise you to learn I ended up in a waiting room at a walk-in clinic. This is my story: It's going to be at least an hour wait.  I already regret the decision to come here. Suddenly from across the room, a two-year repeatedly points at me and yells "MOM, THAT'S MY GIRL, I LOVE HER!" Which causes everyone to turn and stare at me, probably because they assumed I know her and wanted to see a real life kodak moment.  But I don't, so I focus really hard on my kneecap and start to weigh the pros and cons of getting up and leaving because my face is now on fire. Then I hear the loud, speedy footsteps of a toddler going on an adventure before their parents can stop her. "Hi!"  "Hello," Now I'm setting an example for the youths so I have to look up from my kneecap. "My name is Quinn, what's your name?" She is absolutely adorable, like if Nemo was in tiny human form. A pure soul. ...

Hey Mom! So recently I almost ended up in the emergency room due to an asthma attack. In the past, I've been accused of being reckless when it comes to how I choose to handle my respiratory system. To address such accusations, I would like to offer the following commentary: Yes , in my youth, I did incredibly stupid things, some of which resulted in completely preventable trips to the emergency room. But I learned from those experiences which is really the whole point of adolescence. Yes , I do like to sit on the couch and see how long I can hold off taking my inhaler. Is this inherently risky and have I accidentally trained my body to shut out the sound of my own wheezes? Yes. Is this game of chicken necessary? No, but I think if you never push the limits of your body you'll never know what it's capable of. Yes , there was an incident on Thursday which resulted in my coworkers and roommates getting a little bit of a scare. Am I apologetic? Yes. Is it completely in...