12 Kilometres of Consequences

Hey Mom!

Once again, I have been humbled by reality and general principles of physics. I want to start by saying that at no point in time should you feel sorry for me during this story. I did this to myself. I was doing a fair bit of running at the beginning of COVID but then I got sad and busy and also sad so I stopped. Since June 2020 I have run exactly TWO times. ALSO (because you really should not have even an ounce of pity for me) it is important to note that I have never been a long distance runner... ever. Onward!

I decided to participate in an ultra marathon relay (ie. I ran part of a race that some people can run all by themselves… good for them). In the beginning, I had every intention of taking this seriously. I was going to go for runs and workout and drink water. What I did do was exactly none of those things. Instead I rolled up on race day wearing my housecoat with a backpack full of snacks. I drank 200mL of water and went on my way.

Just a fool in a housecoat tempting fate.

This run which I am now simply calling “Consequences” made a goofus out of me. However, in the pursuit of optimism, I would like to share what I’ve learned with you.

1. There is such a thing as bad socks. I thought socks were like reusable grocery bags. Some have fun designs but at the end of the day they are all made equal. Incorrect. There are socks and then there are the inferno heat sacks that I wore on race day. Bad socks exist.
2. Drink water. People have been telling me this for years to be honest but it wasn't until after I had been driving for 3 days only to run up a hill that I thought You know what there might be something to this.
3. Runner's high will only take you so far. I felt it from kilometres 4-9 but then I stopped for a second to let someone pass me and it was gone. Withdrawal includes feeling every bone in your body hurt. Back pain with intermittent numbness. And the realization that you have squandered your youth.
4. Ya Mama! She'll repeatedly tell you she doesn't think you'll be able to finish the run under 2 hours. She'll ask you if you've trained at all or stretched or have been eating well or drinking water. Don't listen to her. You can do it in 1 hour and 53 minutes. Trust me.
5. Stretching is a lifestyle. It probably will not surprise you to know that I did not stretch until the night before. This was a mistake and Consequences does not take kindly to mistakes.
6. I wasn't THAT cold. I thought I was going to freeze so I really layered up. In fact, the only way in which I was prepped to run was the fact that I had a variety of layers... all of which I left on and immediately regretted.
7. Downhill is bad too. I adopted the strategy of just sort of letting my body weight drag me down the hill. This almost immediately resulted in a rolled ankle but I remained undaunted and once again Consequences punished me for my hubris with pain and swelling and a generally unpleasant crunching sensation.
8. There are cameras on the trail. There is nothing like commemorating a poignant life lesson with a photo of yourself mouth-breathing and generally looking miserable.
9.  Numbness is not a good thing. At first, I was grateful when my legs went numb. At last! My nerves are tired of giving me warning signs, I thought. BUT and it is a big but, then I realized I would have to drag my goblin-hotdog legs around because they were officially off-duty. This resulted in a lot of tripping and exasperated huffing on my part. 
10. The backpack full of snacks was an excellent idea. I don't know what to tell you. Even a broken clock is right twice a day and all that.

So there you have it. I did get to spend the day outside with my friends and my dog. Here is a picture:

This is Mitch, he is 11 and currently in turbo-mode

I also got to spend most of my day eating snacks so really are there any losers? Yes, it is me, I am the loser.

That is all.

p.s. My new book is out! The URL is (hilariously) as follows: https://www.aluminiumlinings.com/whendeathruns