Shopping: Animorphs and Pterodactyl Legs

Hey Mom!

Until recently, I had not been clothes shopping since 2014. I know what you're thinking Mack, you love the mall! Yeah I do because there's a NEW YORK FRIES there! But with my  wizening with age, I am attempting to pursue a sunnier disposition whilst educating the youths. So I have carefully profiled the perfect shopping battle buddy which I will share with you now:

The most important thing is that you shop with someone who is a bit mean. Now, Mom, given that you’ve gone with me twice in the past week or so, your feelings may be a bit hurt. But have no fear Mom, (also please don’t put me up for adoption). To clarify, this person is going to seem mean because nothing stings like “Hey those pants make you look like a lion tamer” when you’ve finally worked up the courage to try something on after two hours of walking into stores, looking around and saying None of this will look good on me so there’s no point on even trying… I'm basically an urchin. But trust me, it’s better this way.  

The second most important thing is that you shop with someone who is a bit nice. Not too nice because otherwise you go home with the lion tamer pants and question every decision you’ve ever made. But they do need to be nice enough to scrape up your self-esteem to keep trying things that aren’t cotton t-shirts (which if you’re honest with yourself, are the only garment that accepts you for who you are). This person is going to carry you through the moment where you’re fighting back tears and tread the edge of hysteria with a dialogue very similar to the following:

This is impossible, I have the body type of the starfish Animorph halfway through transformation (pictured below for your convenience):

The starfish animorph is especially bad because it's so useless

Now that you've got your battle buddy, I have two personal tips for you:

1. If you were bored on Thursday and drew a pterodactyl on your leg, wash it off before you try on anything that is not long pants.

Don't ask any questions just trust me on this one.

2. Shave your legs.

You might think this is similar to the first tip but it isn't. I'm not really pro or against leg shaving. I like smooth legs but not enough to shave them more than a few times a year. HOWEVER, in the case of clothes shopping you want to be as aerodynamic as possible in order to make this process painless and efficient.

If you have to go shopping, it's going to be ok. We're all Animorphs in this crazy world but in the hundreds of millions of pants there's one pair that the fly stays up and hugs your butt like it's the prodigal son.

That is all.