Hindsight is always 20-20 but my foresight is legally blind.

Hey Mom!

As promised the highlights from my second year of college!  I realized a few things while going over my old posts.  Firstly, I may have been stupid at 18 but I was less funny at 19.  Secondly I did not post nearly as often my second year presumably because I realized that all my "fantastic" ideas and "high-minded" thoughts were just the senseless ramblings of a teenager.  Enjoy

"Need I remind you salmonella will give you diarrhoea and abdominal cramps."

"When I try to do homework it is a battle of who's dumber: My 2004 laptop that overheats if I have more than two programs running versus Mackenzie T Judd who is about as tech savvy as that monkey they trained to type. "

"Luckily for me, I am not easily impressed and am now going to tear apart every word he said".

"These are the perfect way to tell certain members of society how stupid they are in a light-hearted, fun sort of way."

"It's hard to hustle back on defence when you feel like the Hulk just punched you in the bronchioles." 

"It's like a ref telling someone to stop waving their arms like a spaz on defence... you might not like it but it's not against the rules."

"Ghetto calorimeters are so boss:

Our labs are quite possibly the sketchiest classes I have. The fume hood doesn't really work and the fan sounds like the Loch Ness monster being strangled by a plastic ring (it could happen, keep our beaches clean!). Recently we've been having problems with our experiments not working, not surprising when you consider the fact that chemicals we've been using are probably from the early 1900's. They are stored in brown jugs with yellowing labels with a rather western looking font I might add. Olds college bought them from the general store while they were there for a calico bonnet, some salted pork for the winter months and some feed for the oxen that are ploughing the ground for the new school house that will hold all twenty-five students!

Today my biology teacher told us (and I quote) "And here is a source of error: Our calorimeter is ghetto." I guess two Styrofoam cups could be considered by some to be ghetto but I prefer to think of it as.... homemade... like a birthday card signed in crayon... given to you by a coworker, cute right? At least they aren't as bad as our scales which actually gave me a negative number today. At first I was like "Yea I'm totally in space fools," then I looked down at my homemade calorimeter and cried."

"Anyway I'll probably be pretty busy over the holidays carolling and such (just kidding, Christmas is about peace on earth and good will toward men and that is not the effect my voice has on people with ears)."

"Oh yeah you are in love with that pretty girl next door? Well what if I told you she is a serial killer and hides the bodies in her basement... still going to call her maybe? "

"Are the elves unionized because I feel like they could do better."

"I told myself to stop being a baby and pull myself together. I did not pull myself together and complained in my head for the rest of the game."

"At the top of the course evaluation it said "Keep it positive" so I said he was well prepared to fail to teach the class."

"I know I shouldn't enjoy this as much as I am but it was either this or slash his tires... I think I made the grown up decision."

"Winter driving is sort of like Hunger Games; it happens every year and the weak and the stupid are the first to feel its effects."

"I am wearing a 30-pound weighted vest with cast-iron plates, so if we collide you are going down YogaPants. "

"People like you are the reason Darth Vader was so bitter"

"When I envision the three traits someone would want in a moving buddy I think strong, tall, competent. When I flashback to the moment I was holding one end of our couch and my Dad asked me where I was in relationship to the door frame. I think wheezy, short and nervous"

"Is it weird that plants help me breathe but also kill me a little?"

"Mom I know you told me to be careful... When I made that joke about breaking an ankle you said “that’s not funny”. Which is why I am not telling you this in person, I'll be loitering around 7-11 for the remainder of the day. Also I have the ice pack from the freezer."

"It's like saying God loves you, but if you step to me, I'll kill you."

"I have a new nemesis, a.k.a. pocket lint."

"The only thing worse than an idiot is a smug idiot."

"When I leave the house in the morning with my pant leg tucked into my ankle sock does that make me a hipster?"

"I did not appreciate you judging my seagull noise while my sister sang Kiss the Girl."

 So you are basically caught up on the last two years! Now I can get back to saying stupid and ridiculous things I will most likely regret or die laughing at later. 

That is all.