Happiness is Terrifying

Hey Mom!

So it's that time of year again, finals are coming, life decisions are being made.  My life feels more and more like it's contained in a pressure cooker and someone keeps turning up the heat. And during these moments of seemingly infinite stress it's easy to let go.  I'm not talking about letting go of personal hygiene or normal eating patterns or the concept of sleep or any other standard you might hold yourself to (but I mean who hasn't worn the same pair of sweatpants a few days in a row during finals? Oh that's just me... ok well this is awkward).  

I am talking about letting go of your happiness. It's easy to be unhappy, it's easy to find things to complain about, it's easy to wish that things were different.  It's hard to be happy.  Happiness goes against every fibre of my being.  My instincts say that nothing good ever stays good and if you are happy you are probably about to have your world ripped out from under your feet.  Happiness is terrifying.  Happiness is choosing not to worry.  I like worrying.  Worrying is like a running on a track, you can go around and around and around for as long as you need to without ever going anywhere. I mean sure, you lose sleep, put a ton of undue stress on your body and you don't actually solve any of your problems by worrying but it's better than being happy right?

Wrong.

Happiness isn't about being unprepared or ignoring your problems.  Happiness is not reserved for perfect people with a ten year plan.  Happiness is choosing to see that the clouds are not the only thing in the sky.

Happiness takes work. Happiness isn’t always convenient, happiness doesn’t always show up as a bowl of sunshine and puppies first thing in the morning.  Sometimes happiness is just remembering to breathe when you feel like you are drowning.

My grades are not great this semester.  I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.  For the first time in my life I really hate school.  A couple times a week I have to stand at a sketchy bus stop in a back alley that smells like pee and murder.  There are two flies in my apartment that just won't die.

For the first time in my life I have no idea what I want but I also feel like I could do absolutely anything.  I feel completely lost but also sort of invincible.  I'm trying new and exciting and terrifying things.  I’m trying happiness.

That is all.