Top Ten Job Interview Strategies

Hey Mom!

This is the follow up to my Honest Resume as I have recently searched for AND garnered employment...you know after applying for four months straight and getting zero responses (I have first aid and a pair of dress pants so the world is my minimum-wage oyster). So naturally, I know everything there is to know about job interviews (I've had two this week which is probably some sort of record). So here is the Mack Judd recipe for job interview success:
  1. Respond 'assertively' (ie. aggressively) to every question. This shows initiative and a confident attitude. Some suggestions include:
      • "What makes you a good fit for our company?"
      • "What makes you think you're a good fit for our company?!?"
  2. Wear a name tag. This tells the manager that they don't have to know your name or care about you at all.
      • It helps if it's a neon name tag because then when they close their eyes at night your name is burned into their retinas.
  3.  Do some recon and show up dressed exactly like your supervisor.
      • Don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want!
  4.  Ya Mama could ask her friends to give you a job... that way you don't even have to interview probably.
  5. When they give you a hypothetical situation, pull out a pipe and a deerstalker hat while exclaiming "Ah the game is afoot!". Then sit there for 12 hours without moving.
      • Pro tip: Stare pensively out a window or play the violin.
  6. Laminate your resume. This says "Hey I know you're busy, feel free to spill coffee on this." 
  7. Tell them you're a Costco member. Nothing says 'hire me' like knowing they can get bulk hemp hearts and cheerios..
  8.   Send in your resume multiple times. At the beginning of the hiring process you might be a 2 on a scale of one to ten but the longer they wait the more impressive your standard first aid and extensive list of hobbies you made up look.
  9. When asked for your references yell "MLA, APA, and Chicago." Be sure to use an oxford comma.
  10. Bring a bucket with you. When asked about the bucket say to the interviewer: "It is filled with the blood of your enemies. You are welcome." Immediately stand up and leave the interview.
Feel free to use some combination of these tips and tricks to create your own gainfully-employed soufflée (I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that.... actually, I do, I've been watching a lot of food videos lately). 

Also if you are still looking just remember:
#Inspiration

That is all.

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