Cooking is Emotional Turmoil

Hey Mom!

I'm just going to say it cooking is emotionally destabilizing. I know what you are thinking Mack, you are so hilarious and funny and insincere. I AM BEING SERIOUS. It's demoralizing. I go from zero to questioning my worth as a human being faster than you can yell Grease fire!  Now, as a grown real-live adult, I realize that I need to have this skill. But the least the cooking world could do is HELP ME!

Firstly, recipes say to add oil... oh oil? That's a super useful piece of information. Is it canola? Olive? Motor? What on earth is vegetable oil?!?! Olives are a vegetable? Aren't they?!?

Secondly, people (and the internet) keep feeding me bad intel! I give you the tale of the egg noodles (complete with photographic evidence).

My coworker (Vern) told me about making homemade pasta... "It's easy." he said.. "Anyone can do it!" he said. So I thought I'm anyone... I can do it! So I carefully write down everything he said.  And let me tell you, I am a lot of things: a loser (I lose things, calm down Mom), messy, lover of toques even in plus 3o weather BUT most of all, I am an excellent note taker.

Add 2 eggs to 1/2 cup of flour, flour as you roll out flat.
Check.

Now at this point, I realize this egg dough is not going to come off the rolling pin (travel mug) or the counter.  But this is easy, anyone can do this... I'm anyone... aren't I?... I AM GARBAGE... USELESS, USELESS, GARBAGE... I should just eat cereal or lie down to die of starvation because at least starvation is BETTER THAN food poisoning.

 Now in this, my darkest hour, I manage to cling to my excellent note taking ability. In a last ditch effort to save myself from a lifetime of shepherds pie from a can and dollar-store spam I reach out to the only friend I've ever known... the food network website.  I don't know who you are Mario Batali but you saved me in my time of knead (get it? HA!) and for that I am forever in your debt.  Turns out you need 1 cup of flour per egg....


Pro-Tip: If your counter is covered in egg glue just slap a cutting board over top and start over.

I would like to tell you that when it was all said and done I finished with a dish I was really happy with but, when a 10 minute process takes an hour and a half (and looks like vomit and dry wall), it leaves you with the feeling that you should've just made scrambled eggs.


That is all.

Comments

  1. Unknown5 June 2016 at 15:12

    As Kaleb would say "When someone calls you "garbage" remember it is garbage "can" not garbage can't...."

    ReplyDelete

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