Fish Wizard Feeling Flush
Hey Mom!
So as promised this week is my dumb, bad, dumb cooking disaster... in fact it will be my final cooking disaster. I didn't think anything could be worse than the descaler incident of 2014, I was wrong... very, very, VERY wrong.
In an effort to expand my culinary skills, I cooked fish for the first time. I thawed the fish in cold water because apparently that's a thing that people do for reasons that don't matter. I cooked it until it was opaque. It was delicious. I served it with rice.
So all this goes off without a hitch so I think Finally! I've found a cooking thing that I can do! I must be a fish wizard. With my newfound confidence, I got myself a goodnight's sleep and decided to try my hand at yet another piece of fish. Fish Wizard reporting for duty! What kind of magic will I work on this protein today? As the fish was thawing I noticed some fine print expires March 23rd 2013
Not a problem for the Wizard of Fish, because as everyone knows the freezer is like a time machine so in terms of fish years this cod is still good. Now while in hindsight I think we can all agree that I'm a complete moron... this was my thought process at the time:
As the resident Fish Wizard, I'm not a complete moron, I will take the precaution of examining the fish once it has thawed. Smells fine, looks fine. Once cooked until opaque I will inspect the fish a second time. Small piece tasted fine, medium piece tasted wonderful, large piece tasted spectacular! Further confirmation that I am, in fact, a Fish Wizard. I ate the entire piece of fish and boy oh boy was I thrilled.
Around 8pm, my stomach begins to tighten. Odd, I think maybe my ab workout is working even when I'm not! And then pain...debilitating, searing, pain. It was as if my intestines were a balloon animal that was being twisted to the point of severe duress. Never in my 23 years of living have I ever had my body so thoroughly and vehemently reject something.
At 2am, I am exhausted, I had sacrificed every solid and fluid in my body to the porcelain throne. I do something desperate, something INSANE. In order to get some sleep, I take allergy medicine and pray that I wouldn't crap myself while in my benedryl induced coma (I did not, for the record, poop the bed).
So what does all this mean? It means that I have given the culinary world an honest try. And now, wholeheartedly, I reject it. Will I die young? Probably. Will my corpse refuse to rot because it's so full of preservatives? Very likely. Will my body morph into a cheese string? We can only hope.
That is all.
So as promised this week is my dumb, bad, dumb cooking disaster... in fact it will be my final cooking disaster. I didn't think anything could be worse than the descaler incident of 2014, I was wrong... very, very, VERY wrong.
In an effort to expand my culinary skills, I cooked fish for the first time. I thawed the fish in cold water because apparently that's a thing that people do for reasons that don't matter. I cooked it until it was opaque. It was delicious. I served it with rice.
So all this goes off without a hitch so I think Finally! I've found a cooking thing that I can do! I must be a fish wizard. With my newfound confidence, I got myself a goodnight's sleep and decided to try my hand at yet another piece of fish. Fish Wizard reporting for duty! What kind of magic will I work on this protein today? As the fish was thawing I noticed some fine print expires March 23rd 2013
Not a problem for the Wizard of Fish, because as everyone knows the freezer is like a time machine so in terms of fish years this cod is still good. Now while in hindsight I think we can all agree that I'm a complete moron... this was my thought process at the time:
As the resident Fish Wizard, I'm not a complete moron, I will take the precaution of examining the fish once it has thawed. Smells fine, looks fine. Once cooked until opaque I will inspect the fish a second time. Small piece tasted fine, medium piece tasted wonderful, large piece tasted spectacular! Further confirmation that I am, in fact, a Fish Wizard. I ate the entire piece of fish and boy oh boy was I thrilled.
Around 8pm, my stomach begins to tighten. Odd, I think maybe my ab workout is working even when I'm not! And then pain...debilitating, searing, pain. It was as if my intestines were a balloon animal that was being twisted to the point of severe duress. Never in my 23 years of living have I ever had my body so thoroughly and vehemently reject something.
At 2am, I am exhausted, I had sacrificed every solid and fluid in my body to the porcelain throne. I do something desperate, something INSANE. In order to get some sleep, I take allergy medicine and pray that I wouldn't crap myself while in my benedryl induced coma (I did not, for the record, poop the bed).
So what does all this mean? It means that I have given the culinary world an honest try. And now, wholeheartedly, I reject it. Will I die young? Probably. Will my corpse refuse to rot because it's so full of preservatives? Very likely. Will my body morph into a cheese string? We can only hope.
That is all.
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