Oh to be young and foolish… well I got the foolish down pat

Hey Mom!

You know what's funny?  Of course you do you're reading this.  My last post was about how ridiculous I was as an 18 year-old and recently I have had three (count it three) incidences wherein it is as if my teenage self has resurfaced.  In traditional Hey Mom! fashion I will describe these scenarios in a series of dramatic narratives.

The Stupid Never Sleep

It's late, my coffee mug has long been emptied and the sweet steam of caffeinated ambrosia has long dissipated.  The sounds of cars passing my open window is gone, leaving only silence to remain.  It started slowly, my heart rate begins to rise and then thunder in my chest.  Suddenly my face is burning with the flush of laboured breathing.  Drawing in air produces but a small wheeze and my ribs seem to tighten and threaten to collapse as if under the strain of an unseen corset.  I am slow to react, as if running through mud my brain screams at leaden limbs to move, but they can only lethargically comply.  Once my inhaler has been administered time seems to slow, seconds stretch to hours as I cannot but wait for relief. 

 So basically I made myself so upset I induced an asthma attack which is why I am blogging at 12:30 at night when I have to be up at 7:30am.    

The Daft and the Darkness

It's late and tonight sleep has been elusive.  The darkness, the comfort of my bed and the warmth of my flannel pi's have not been able to win over my wayward thoughts this night.  In desperation I sought my last resort to sleeplessness: brushing my teeth a second time.  It is well after 3 am and so I move slowly, taking each step gingerly to prevent my roommate from waking.  The florescent light in the bathroom buzzes for a moment before flickering to life as if I have disturbed it from it's slumber.  Carefully I begin to brush my teeth, angling the toothbrush to maximize plaque removal.  As I lean forward to spit the now used toothpaste down the drain, I feel it.  Warm and fleshy, pressed against my foot for only a moment.  I leap backwards with the speed of a puma but the grace of a newborn hippo calf.  My toothbrush clatters in the sink, sending a smattering of white spittle flying onto the mirror.  I feel my shoulder blades slam into the bathroom door and hear the corresponding thump.  In abject horror I glance down to wear my sock feet stood just moments before and found it… Royale Toilet Paper - Kitteny soft.

So basically toilet paper scared me so bad, I spent the next 15 minutes cleaning toothpaste off the bathroom mirror.  My room is over the room that generates heat for the entire building so it is really common for stuff on the floor to get warm with residual heat coming through the floor. At least the brand stands by it's slogan…

Capability Versus Confidence

It's late Sunday afternoon, the grocery store is teeming with people.  The general hum of shopping cart wheels, produce bags being torn from the roll and the swish of automatic doors washes over me as soon as I enter.  My boots squeak softly as I tread down the aisles in search of my groceries.  My dry scaly knuckles remind me that the winter has been hard.  Winnipeg is a cold desolate place and in the heart of January the sun shines for no one.  As I near the shelf holding lotions I notice the bright yellow price tag like a beacon in the night, it is the hope that calls all cheap people to rally around it, fight over it and eventually buy some of it.  Brand name lotion was on sale.  Glancing over my shoulder looking for rivals looking to steal my prize I scan the selection and pick the lotion that smells the most fragrant.  Upon scanning the bottle I notice the bottom in a tasteful Helvetica font reads "Fat Absorbing".  What sorcery is this?  What would happened had I, in carelessness used this lotion on my face?  Skeletal images of sunken eyes and skin drawn tight against cheekbones dance in my mind.  As I move to return this bottle of death to the shelf I realize my error… "Fast Absorbing"

Well they do actually have fat absorbing lotion… it's called acid, it takes care of skin and other visceral material too.

So for those of you that skimmed the italics above what happened this week?

1. I made my own lungs turn against me.

2. I was frightened by toilet paper.

3. Knowing how to reading and actually reading are two different things.

That is all.