Hey Mom!

Hey Mom! Once again, I have been humbled by reality and general principles of physics. I want to start by saying that at no point in time should you feel sorry for me during this story. I did this to myself. I was doing a fair bit of running at the beginning of COVID but then I got sad and busy and also sad so I stopped. Since June 2020 I have run exactly TWO times. ALSO (because you really should not have even an ounce of pity for me) it is important to note that I have never been a long distance runner... ever. Onward! I decided to participate in an ultra marathon relay (ie. I ran part of a race that some people can run all by themselves… good for them). In the beginning, I had every intention of taking this seriously. I was going to go for runs and workout and drink water. What I did do was exactly none of those things. Instead I rolled up on race day wearing my housecoat with a backpack full of snacks. I drank 200mL of water and went on my way. Just a fool in a housecoat tempting f

Hey Mom! I'll just cut to the chase here: I had to Sawzall the doorknob off my bedroom door. I know what you're thinking Surely, I have not read the above statement correctly. NO ANNABROCK, YOU ARE ADEQUATELY LITERATE! This situation might be funnier if it were not entirely my own, grown-adult, fault. The doorknob had been sticking recently and several times I thought I should really take this off and see what's going on in there  BUT  - and it is a big but- That thought was immediately followed by later, I will do this thing later. Unfortunately later came and went and then too late showed up around 10pm the night before work.  I go to turn the doorknob and this time it turns but the door does not open. I casually tell my roommate who is watching me struggle from the living room that this has happened a few times and I just need to *click* turn the knob *click* this way and the door *click* will *click* open ....orrrrr remain closed and locked.  So now I am rapidly running

 Hey Mom! So I have both downloaded and deleted TikTok this week and I think the worst part is that I knew it would come to this. I have been pretty up front with my addictive personality, I have been honest and forthcoming about my Candy Crush issues and the fact that I have to use a very strict timer system to accomplish anything at all on my days off.  So it was with great hubris that I downloaded TikTok, that I, the great Mackarus, could spread my wings and fly so close to a world with endless content. Except I was not flying at all, I was under a mountain of blankets, in the dark, in the fetal position wearing a Star Wars onesie. Yeah verily, I was not flying at all. I was falling. For hours and hours I lay there, in darkness, scrolling. Despite the many things I wanted to do. The glorious winter snacks I had hoped to bake, the laundry I needed to fold, the podcast I recorded a week ago that I still haven't edited. I did none of them, I only lived for TikTok, I only breathed

 Hey Mom! So I'm sitting here wearing a broken bra. Now Mom, I understand that you probably don't want me to talk about my underwear on the internet BUT (and it is a big but), I promise it is not the focal point of this story. I have two bras, I have a work bra and a not-work bra. The other day I was adjusting the strap on my not-work bra when it snapped. Not a big deal, it's corona times and who even cares if my bra strap is hanging out the bottom of my shirt? This is what betrayal looks like So today I realized that I do, in fact, need to fix my not-work bra until it can be replaced. I didn't staple it because I'm 27 now and I'm tired of y'all lecturing me about the staples holding together my clothes. I could not find a sewing needle so I decide to safety pin it. What could go wrong? It's got safety right in the name! So I pin it and am impressed with my adulting abilities until I reach for something and the safety pin CATAPULTS off the bra and is fl

Hey Mom! BEFORE I say anything else let me just say the following: I'm going to talk about social distancing and wearing a mask when that distancing can't be maintained in this post. If you're thinking Wow what a great opportunity for me to chime in about how stupid that is and Mack, you just need to RELAX already.  Go away.  If you have decided not to practice social distancing, I am not going to lecture you or engage in the same discourse I've had 1000 times but I do not have the energy to listen to you explain why the rules don't apply to you. Find another corner of the internet, I am having absolutely none of it. So I went running with a mask on today because one of the spots I like to frequent has a couple tight corners and so sometimes it's tough to maintain 2 metres if someone is approaching from the opposite direction and you don't see them because you are staring at the ground trying to remember what could've possibly possessed you to decide to

Hey Mom! Let's just cut to the chase shall we? I GAVE MYSELF HAND-STRAIN BY PLAYING TOO MUCH ANIMAL CROSSING! This is me... not being weird at all. So I bought myself Animal Crossing after a particularly stressful day. You ever just want to be alone on an island? Where the sun is shining and nobody can bother you. Where you can slip into a nice cat-wizard outfit and lie on the beach without a care in the world.  Now I may have been overzealous in curating the perfect island (I have a parade of fossils set up). AND THEN I DID THIS: So 85 hours is probably too many... definitely too many. So I noticed my hands felt sore where the console sits on my thumb flesh (again sorry, much like neck meat there's no good terminology... I would assume I did not check). BUT THEN MY HANDS LOCKED UP LIKE I HAD CARPAL TUNNEL! I went to pick up a pen and my finger locked in place, and you know what? IT WAS TERRIFYING, OLIVIONNE!  And you know in these trying times I am

Hey Mom! I know what you are thinking:  How terrified are you right now?  Medium, let's move on. So due to my recent career change, I have spent an exponential amount of time at rodeos. Now I know we would love to sit around and discuss the moral implications of rodeos BUT I'M TRYING TO BRING SOME LEVITY TO THE TABLE SAMANDA! There are so many places on the internet you can fight about this... this is not one of those places so please please either read my fun story or go away. See, look... now you've made me hostile. Are you pleased with yourself, Carscilla? So a few months ago, I was at one of these such events. Honestly, I have all the rodeo knowledge of a 3 year-old: I know the difference between the cows and the horsies and I do not understand why I cannot pet the cows. Don't ask me about the events or how the scoring works because I do not know. ANYWAY I am at this rodeo (seeing the sights, living in fear of the horses) when they announce the next event:

Hey Mom! So Corona virus has finally made me do something insane. No, I didn't stockpile supplies. No, I didn't buy a hundred thousand medical masks. No, I do not own a float tank's worth of hand sanitizer to sleep in. No, I did not book a flight to travel the world for $15. I have been calm, cool and collected whilst taking extra time to wash my hands and not touching my face. BUT THEN I CALLED SOMEONE TO MAKE SURE THEY HAD TOILET PAPER. Now this person had sent me a message saying there was no toilet paper anywhere. And we both shook our heads and said "Wow people are cray-zee, eh?" and moved on with our lives. Well, I stopped in at the grocery store to get snacks after work today and I notice Hey they actually have toilet paper. We, of course, still have 12 rolls plus the two secret rolls I keep in case we run low because **shrug** BUT   (yes, Camronald, it is a big but), I thought oh they might not have gotten any toilet paper. AND THEN I CALLED THEM ON

***DISCLAIMER: I wrote this two weeks ago and waited until now to make sure it was actually funny not just I've-been-crying-for-two-hours-and-have-now-descended-into-more-generalized-hysterics funny*** Hey Mom! So today is my day off. I slept in, I lounged and drank coffee but as the afternoon rolled around I decided to motivate myself to workout. I decided to do this by watching Youtube clips of dog rescue shows. I know what you are thinking Those two things are unrelated. To that I would say, that if a Dalmatian with backward eyelids can overcome their trauma and go onto to live a normal life after someone spends 16 hours trying to rescue them from under the floorboards of a bowling alley and then a vet does the surgery for free then I can definitely, definitely manage to workout on my day off. The title I clicked on was the same as all the other titles, something like "Super Team does everything they can, will it be enough?" AND YOU KNOW WHAT, LOU-AARON? IT