Hey Mom!

Hey Mom! So I am upset today, there will be no youtube antics, the spring is noticeably absent from my step and I am not going to pretend to be alright.  Not for my friends or my family members and certainly not for complete strangers.  I feel beat up, I've spent so long just surviving, getting through the next day and on bad days just getting through the next hour. And today was no exception. Life is like that right?  It's like a foreign film without subtitles, right as you develop some form of understanding the plot twists.  If years were measured in plot twists this year has been a corkscrew.  And that is ok.   Things could be worse.  Things also have a chance to be better, which if I am honest is what keeps me holding on.  Everyday I survive is another chance future me will have to see a good day.  And for now, that is how I will survive this moment.  And this moment.  And the next few moments until the hurt stops long enough for me to start moving forward. That is al

Hey Mom! So today was my first exam! I don't want to jinx it so I won't say it went well.  Also because I may have made some additions to the french language (i.e. I made up some words) I won't say it went well.  Here's the thing when you are semi-fluent in a language sometimes you aren't sure if the french word is similar to the English word or your brain is just being lazy... Me: How do you say national? Brain: National Me: Yes, national Brain:  National Me:  Yes, can you translate the word national? Brain: I am.... it's national Me:  No into French you doof Brain: National is national...... Me: Oh national is national....  with an e on the end? Brain: No just spell it exactly like national.... Me: I'm going to add an e to make it look more french Brain: All you did was make it look more feminine just leave it alone! Me: Definitely looks better with the e.... Brain: You are everything I hate about human beings Me: Maybe an accent over the

Hey Mom! Wanna hear something cool and mildly disgusting? Of course you do... that's why you're here.  I have two zits that are symmetrically located on either side of my nose... pretty awesome eh?  These gemini zits are brought to you by your local final exams.  That's right folks just 3 back to back exams and I am home free! You may have noticed that this weekend is Easter.  There are so many things I love about Easter: time with family, a long weekend and the knowledge that the last few new years resolution survivors are being crushed under the temptation of creme eggs and chocolate bunnies so all the Facebook statuses about them being better than the rest of us is going to finally come to an end. There is one thing about Easter that I do have a bit of a struggle with... the fact that someone else had to die for me. It's not because it doesn't paint the perfect picture of love... it does.   It's not because I don't believe it happened... I do

Hey Mom! The past few months have been strange, if you had asked me in September how I though this year was going to turn out I would have painted a picture almost completely opposite to the one I see now.  And for the most part I think that's a good thing.   Truthfully this year has been really difficult in a lot of ways, aspects of my life I have never struggled with before I struggle with now.  Sometimes going for days at a time feeling nothing but the emptiness that has resonated with me.  I even began to embrace the hollow feeling because feeling nothing is easier than feeling a little bit of everything.  The problem with that mentality of course is that nothing means anything to you anymore, you become nothing more than a prop to the people living around you. Suddenly I found myself the understudy in my own life and I didn't know how to take back center stage. I realized that reentering the lead role takes time and just because you've had one good day doesn'

Hey Mom! Why do we blame ourselves for the things that are not our fault? What is it that makes us choose to hold on to shame that we don't own? Our hearts latch on and feed from the guilt as if it's keeping us alive.  Maybe it is.  Maybe taking the blame for something outside of our control gives us control.   Maybe feeling guilt is better than feeling helpless.  Perhaps the knowledge that terrible things happen and there is nothing we can do to alter the course is so frightening that we would rather live hating ourselves.  Hindsight is not always 20x20, hindsight is selective, it is guided by what we want to see.  And we want to see guilt, we want to see that we had a hand in what happened.  All the "if only"s and "I should have"s amount to us reaching for anything to slow our free fall. And perhaps this will keep us alive, for a time.  But guilt is a paramedic, it can patch us up for a little while but in the end what we need is a surgeon.  Someon

Hey Mom! Spring is finally here! Want to know how I know that? It's 2am and my lungs are on fire.  Spring is my fifth favourite season , the order goes winter, summer, winter, fall and then spring. But why? Spring is budding with new life and hope.  It is a symbol of rebirth and renewal. How could you possibly hate spring?  Well every year without fail spring has tried to kill me.  At first I thought it was a frenemies situation because let's be honest, the dandelion fuzz was cute.  But then came the poplar fluff and the snow mould and the street cleaners.  I have tried several times to forge an alliance with Jack Frost but he won't return my calls and has blocked me on Facebook.  I see how it is Jack, just because I dress appropriately for the weather which prevents any nose nipping that might occur you act like I don't exist. Quite frankly, it's rude and a little insensitive. And to make matters worse, Spring and I don't have anything in common.  Spring is

Hey Mom! All I want to do right now is purchase an orange VW van so I can traverse the arctic tundra and write a novella.  Why? Because right now the thought of reality is about as appealing a toilet seat made from cactus skin. This kids, is the part of the show where chasing your dreams isn't all sunshine and roses. Days like today are the ones where the hard work feels like it's never going to pay off.  Sometimes I feel like I'm chasing a future I don't even want anymore.  But the truth is before I can ever pursue a dream, I have to pursue a reality.   Sorry VW but you have to sit on the back burner, hopefully gas will still exist by the time I get around to having some disposable income. Why hello arctic tundra, please permit me to appreciate your majesty from a distance. Dear novella, I'm sorry but you are going to be nothing more than a word document I haphazardly update for the time being. Truthfully, it is not accurate that I am not chasing my dre