Top Ten Modern Reasons to Hate Corn Mazes

Hey Mom!

I've been pretty vocal about how much I hate corn mazes lately and I'd like to continue to do that.

In this post, I intend to demonstrate that corn mazes are objectively evil and therefore deserve your disdain, first I need to be honest with my biases.

When I was a teenager I was invited to attend a corn maze with a local youth group and then the girl who invited me DID NOT SHOW UP! Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, is this the source of your unwavering social anxiety?! The answer to that question is: No. And honestly if that's the worst thing that happened to you as a teenager, I simply cannot relate, Charlivia.

Now if I had had my driver's license or been in walking distance of my house, I would've gone home. But I was 15 AND if I had had the directional sense to walk home, I might not hate corn mazes so much BUT WE DON'T LIVE IN THAT WORLD MARJAMIN!

Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, that was over a decade ago, what are some modern reasons to loathe corn mazes? Excellent question! I will happily give you a litany of reasons to detest the wobbly, autumn garbage that are corn mazes.

Top Ten Modern Reasons to Hate Corn Mazes
  1. There are no winners. There are only survivors.
  2. Bad things happen in mazes. Just ask Cedric Diggory... OH WAIT! You can't, can you?
  3. They take your money. You know the other times in your life where your money is gone and you are trapped in a seemingly endless labyrinth? Getting mugged in a Costco... that's when.
  4. Ya Mama. Imagine her heart if you never came back from that maze of consternation and darkness. Just. Imagine
  5. It's cold. Ever wanted bitter winds to chill your stress sweat so your entire outdoor experience feels like a fever dream? Then boy howdy are corn mazes for you!
  6. It makes you hate your friends. We all have that friend who is always trying to steal corn or jump out and scare you or insists they know which way to go even though you know it is a statistical impossibility to turn left that many times in a row. The good news is that you will no longer be friends after your corn maze experience.
  7. Aliens! You know that I want to be in the inaugural class of Star Fleet... but if we just go wandering into a corn maze that is actually crop circles who knows what the fate of our species would be.
  8. It's dark. Do you know how many apex predators hunt at night?! ME NEITHER BUT PROBABLY A LOT! Are you really willing to go out when your senses are the least effective?
  9. There are never any good snacks. No, I don't want popcorn, corn on the cob or even a corndog. I have gone through an ordeal, I need a hearty stew (+10hp... duh).
  10. People think it's a good group activity... it's not. Numbers will NOT protect you. All it does is add congestion. Guess what you hate? People who walk slow. Guess who you will be stuck behind? A gaggle of people who walk slow.
So there you have it! Armed with this list of very rational reasons, you too can be confident in your abhorrence of corn mazes.

That is all.
I obviously do not have a photo of me at or near a corn maze... this is me warm and safe with the thermos boyfriend I invented for my SnapChat stories two weeks ago when I was really sick.

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