Ok ok ok, I know I am missing a bunch of stuff but then I won't have any good anecdotes to tell at the parties I don't get invited to...

Hey Mom!

Sanity

Whenever large scale events are involved sanity comes into question.  Long days, no sleep, and high stress levels in heavy enough concentrations can send anyone teetering on the edge of madness.

At the office sanity comes in the form of one person and that person’s name cannot be divulged because then I would have to kill you (or at the very least send you to a different dimension).  Also getting to know her renewed my faith in humanity as she taught me problem solving, "graphic design" (cut and paste) and my personal favourite “Office Antics 101”.

Office Antics 101 is basically using the interoffice envelopes to send official looking mail to someone so that a third party might assume it is something actually work related but it is actually a letter from a “secret admirer” or an ancient CD (see section Chaos Followed by Boredom for further details).  Office Antics 101 does not prevent insanity but it definitely channels the crazy into safer and less destructive behaviour.

I can honestly say I have written a love letter in a foreign language and sent it to a married woman.... crazy but hilarious.

Canada is BIG

Ok so you know all those stereotypes you were brought up to believe were not true .... Some people were not so fortunate.

We actually had to send out an email explaining to people that Calgary was an hour from Olds because people were assuming the entire country had flooded.  Just take a moment to appreciate the sheer volume of messages and phone calls we had if we sent out over 500 emails explaining the dimensions of Canada.  If you don’t know google it!

Champsosaurs

So right before and the first few days of the plowing competition tensions were high like Bob Marley high or Cookie Monster’s cholesterol high.  The first day guests checked-in I almost quit, as in went home and thought about what font to use on my letter of resignation.  I originally thought that Gothic Bold would be a good idea but ultimately settled on Times New Roman for personal reasons.

Anyway, it was in these high stress days I stumbled upon what I like to call the Champsosaur effect.  If you have or have had any of the following symptoms you may be suffering from the Champsosaur effect:

1. High stress levels
2. Reusing the same joke over and over and over and over and over again
3. You feel the need to steal fossils from a post secondary institution and place them on your desk (eg. a huge Champsosaur fossil and when your brilliant yet underpaid summer student asks you why, you say “It’s a conversation piece”)
4. I am not going to say “Ya Mama” because thats how serious the Champsosaur effect is...
5. You feel the need to get something done as inefficiently and as expensively as possible
6. You needlessly scream at people about things that really don’t matter (e.g. The placement of a lectern)
7. You start using words like “lectern”
8. The need to use obnoxious ringtones, hazard lights and various catchphrases to announce your presence
9. The overwhelming sensation that you are right about everything ever
10. General acts of douche baggery

If you or someone you love is suffering from the Champsosaur Effect please call 1-800-4-A-CHAMP and someone will be along to give you a swift kick in the pants and a large dose of reality.

Weirdies and Creepers

Some people absolutely baffle me!  I realize that I am not exactly the poster child for normalcy which is why examples are forthcoming and you can decide for yourself.

Example 1:

From: Good Intentions

Re: Bad Idea

Hi there,

I am currently looking for a long lost family member with the last name Smith.  Will anyone be at the plowing competition with that last name? 

Hmm... let me see here... Smith is a really uncommon name so that should narrow things down a bit... of course I can just send you ALL their personal information because that's completely  legal.

Example 2

Volunteer Form

Name: Frank (Kim’s Dad)

Address: Down the road from Mark

Great! This is definitely useful information, I obviously know Kim (we are totally bff). And we didn’t need a real address I will just write “Down the road from Mark” on an envelope and send it out because that is DEFINITELY how the postal service works.

I could go on but I’m working on a book deal (and by “working on a book deal” I mean I don’t want to type anymore)

The Master Spreadsheet

First of all, I love spreadsheets (pushes up thick rimmed bifocals).  There are neat and you can keep all of your data in one spot.  So one day that was slow and my boss was gone.  I created.... THE MASTER SPREADSHEET (dun dun duh!).

An idea that started as a make work project ended up being an instrumental part in the success of the event.  I give you the master spreadsheet!

All the information I got from name to accommodations to departure date was on a single spreadsheet.  Filtered to provide the perfect data set.  I can think of two people off the top of my head who doubted the spreadsheet and guess what?  The spreadsheet was incalculably helpful (that’s right incalculably).  Take that Nay Sayers

But there’s more! Any information I hadn’t received was colour coded based on the urgency I need it.

Example:

Arrival dates: Red, we need them NOW

Departure dates: Yellow, we need them but it can wait until they arrive

Whether or not they own a dog: blue because nobody really cares but I needed an even number of columns (don’t judge).

Basically I created a mix between Cerebro and the Matrix on Microsoft excel... no big deal.

Chaos Followed By Boredom

So after the event I still have two weeks of wrap up... which was excruciating.  I had absolutely nothing to do.  So I started with actual work like cleaning up my office, copying all my files over so my boss had them when I left, responding to emails etc,.  And then eventually it got to the point where I started doing ridiculous tasks that didn’t even really need to be done like counting the number of signs in the back room, retweeting all the tweets the event was mentioned in, origami... but THEN I discovered a hidden treasurer trove that had been before my eyes the entire time.  The cabinet in the copy room was in desperate need of organization so finally I rolled my eyes and cracked open the doors only to find a plethora of antiques and a lifetime of memories.  Here are my favourite finds:

Mech Warrior 2: Sweet right? Well its for windows ’95 so I can pretty much only run it on my work laptop (werh-werh)

Reba Album: Not because I like country music (bleh) but because she still had an Ariel-mullet going on, to be honest I am surprised it wasn’t an eight-track 

Floppy Disks: Approximately 30,  some were blank some had random files on them. These are my absolute favourite for two reasons

1. Once when I was little my Dad gave me an orange floppy disk for no reason other than I wanted an orange one.
2. One of them had a Y2K Emergency plan on it.... that’s right rub your eyes and read that last phrase again.  A Y2K EMERGENCY PLAN,  I split a proverbial gut laughing at this one, I have no idea what was on it.... however, I am willing to formulate a hypothesis based on my knowledge of the workspace as well as events preceeding Y2K.

*Dream Sequence*

Y2K Emergency Plan

Step 1: Place all computers in the freezer to preserve data

Step 2: Unpack the type writers and begin documenting the events surrounding the Y2K virus

Step 3: Place all obsolete technology in the filing cabinet... someone else will take care of it

Step 4: Hire a summer student to deal with all the angry people who have lost valuable information

*Dream Sequence Ends*

These worthless yet slightly whimsical finds led me one staggering conclusion:

This filing cabinet has not been cleaned out since 1995!  Someone should have called the Tyrell Museum in to excavate.  In my ignorance I have marred the archaeological discoveries of the century with the oil from my fingertips... if only I had known.

Highlight Reel:

I’ve marked sarcastic remarks with an asterisk for your convenience.

Top Ten Highlights of My Summer Job

1. The Master Spreadsheet
2. Being kissed by a Macedonian...on the cheek (it was actually really strange and uncomfortable... honestly I will never get used to the European custom of cheek kissing.) *
3. Dancing with some guy from Denmark because I didn’t want to make him feel bad just because I can’t dance.  And because when I said no for the 6th time he just took my hand and dragged me onto the dance floor.  I took one for the team to prevent an international incident.* I realize this comes across a certain way but he was actually a complete gentleman and left me leave as soon as the song finished...  coincidentally, he now believes me when I say I cannot dance.
4. Ya Mama... no seriously she always brought me coffee.
5. Picking up French people from the airport and actually having to speak French to them... and then failing miserably.*
6. Archiving old photos and documents for an anniversary piece
7. Eating copious amounts of Alberta Beef 
8. Sending secret mail to BD1 and waiting with giddy anticipation for her to receive it.
9. A lady from New Zealand giving me a kleenex package with a silver fern on it (New Zealand’s national symbol) and instructing me not to use them all up when they leave.
10. When the committee chair announced to 500 people that I was single and willing to move overseas.... and then had no takers.* #foreveralone

I have two concluding remarks...

Firstly, I did not use the header “Breakaway Lanyards”.... Alas I did not possess the prose necessary to paint the majestic elegance of a breakaway lanyard upon the canvas of your imagination and to make a feeble attempt to do so would be a travesty most disturbing.

Secondly, although you heard a lot about the awful and truly bizarre aspects of my job I had an awesome summer and if I could go back and do it all over again I would.  I loved my coworkers and the committee volunteers.  I am really, really, REALLY blessed to have had this job and I miss it now that it’s over.

That is all.

PS If I ever said "How can I accommodate you today?",  I really meant "You are an inconvenience and I wish I had a lock on my office door"