Merry Christmas to All and a Heckled New Year
Hey Mom!
You know what I think? Of course you don’t, if you didn't you wouldn’t be reading this. I think that people should be heckled more often... the idea was prompted by the fact that I am working on a bucket list and I thought about putting “Try Stand-Up Comedy” on it but then I realized that drunk people heckling me doesn’t sound as appealing. Think about all the inconsiderate things you see on a regular basis, if those people were heckled maybe they would be more conscientious of their fellow man. So in the spirit of Christmas and bringing goodwill toward men I give you:
1. Asking someone a googleable question... in this case I am referred to students who waste everybody’s time by asking a prof a question that can be answered by the glossary in the back of the text book or by looking at a map of campus... get yourself together
2. Heckling someone for an invalid reason like their poor fashion sense or their political stance or the fact that they prefer yogurt covered raisins over glossettes. With great power comes great responsibility and if you aren’t going to be responsible well then the heckler shall himself be heckled.
3. Bringing kleenex with you and then sitting there and sniffing like you’ve got a cocaine addiction... disgusting
4.Ya Mama can heckle you whenever she wants, the perks of giving birth.
5. People who complain about their body type but don’t exercise or eat properly... There are lots of people genuinely struggling and you are making a mockery of that because you don’t really want to be healthier you want to get a few compliments and feel better.
6. People who smoke too close to the door... I know I am beating a dead horse here but I just think it is so inconsiderate, not just because I am asthmatic but because people coming in and out of buildings should be able to choose whether or not they inhale second hand smoke. Especially at places like walmart where people are coming in and out with kids, studies have proven that especially in younger children second hand smoke can cause asthma, susceptibility to bronchitis and pneumonia. And the truth is smoking away from the door shouldn’t need to be enforced, nobody should have to put signs up because in my opinion it should be a common courtesy.
7.Posting drama on your facebook... Take a moment to think about how fun this would be:
Status: Another depressing night, guess I am doomed to be alone forever
Comment: Have you considered I don’t know... going out into the world instead of whining on facebook?
Status: I’m freeeeeee, so glad to be single and moved on
Comment: If you’ve moved on why are you wasting your time posting about it?
Status: I am so tired of all your drama.... why don’t you grow up?
Comment: Who are you talking to?
Comment: Why don’t you grow up?
Comment: Sweetheart you might not know this but nobody really cares...
Comment: Can I send you a diary?
8.Failure to wash your hands after using a public restroom (I still see this every once and awhile and it makes my skin crawl)... yeah I see you avoiding eye contact. It wouldn’t happen as often if I could yell “You know urine is only sterile as long as it stays in your bladder right?”
9. When a group of people are deciding where to eat and someone says “I don’t care you choose” and then proceeds to shoot down every suggestion... If the first time this ever happened that person was mercilessly heckled it would have saved a lot of time and friendships.
10.Referring to roman numeral one as “eye”... This bothers me because they know it’s a one because they say “eye”, “eye eye” and then “three” because “eye eye eye” sounds stupid? When profs do this I just want to stand up and yell “What am I paying you for?!?”
And by the way I am guilty of a few of these so it’s not just me hating on everyone else, I know I deserve to be heckled too (Specifically 2, 3, and 9, just so everyone knows that I do in fact wash my hands). Anyway all I’m saying is we could do society a lot of good by doling out a good heckling now and again.
That is all.
You know what I think? Of course you don’t, if you didn't you wouldn’t be reading this. I think that people should be heckled more often... the idea was prompted by the fact that I am working on a bucket list and I thought about putting “Try Stand-Up Comedy” on it but then I realized that drunk people heckling me doesn’t sound as appealing. Think about all the inconsiderate things you see on a regular basis, if those people were heckled maybe they would be more conscientious of their fellow man. So in the spirit of Christmas and bringing goodwill toward men I give you:
Top Ten Actions People Should Be Heckled For
7.Posting drama on your facebook... Take a moment to think about how fun this would be:
Comment: Have you considered I don’t know... going out into the world instead of whining on facebook?
Comment: If you’ve moved on why are you wasting your time posting about it?
Comment: Who are you talking to?
Comment: Why don’t you grow up?
Comment: Sweetheart you might not know this but nobody really cares...
Comment: Can I send you a diary?
8.Failure to wash your hands after using a public restroom (I still see this every once and awhile and it makes my skin crawl)... yeah I see you avoiding eye contact. It wouldn’t happen as often if I could yell “You know urine is only sterile as long as it stays in your bladder right?”
9. When a group of people are deciding where to eat and someone says “I don’t care you choose” and then proceeds to shoot down every suggestion... If the first time this ever happened that person was mercilessly heckled it would have saved a lot of time and friendships.
That is all.
This has to be said because it's not the first time I see this and I'm dying to know. Is "Ya Mama" an Alberta thing? Because here in the big city we say "Yo Mama" but maybe it's just your local dialect ;)
ReplyDeleteP.S. If you count muttering rather loudly under your breath heckling, I'm already heckling people for #s 6 and 8.
Nope "Ya Mama" is an inside-joke-with-my-dad thing, We started with "Your Mom" and then regressed to "Ya Mama"… however if I were to make a mom joke I would preface it with "Yo Mama"
ReplyDeleteI will occasionally offer a friendly reminder to people smoking in front of no smoking signs but I generally receive an eye roll followed by a less than friendly response.