Since We're All Talking About Depression
Hey Mom!
As you may have heard, Robin Williams passed away this week. After the initial shock, his death has sparked a lot of really important conversation topics like What is depression? How did someone so good at making us laugh hide such unimaginable pain? Why does Mental Health still carry such a social stigma? These are important and we need to talk about them more but I am not an expert. I can't tell you anything other than my story:
I am struggling with depression right now...today, in this moment. Today is neither especially good nor especially bad. Today is one bead in a long string of bad days. I had the will power to get out of bed today but that is just about it. I've sat down three or four times the past couple days trying to write this. I stopped because I realized halfway through one draft that I didn't care. I stopped because thinking about the person I used to be and who I am now is incredibly painful. I stopped because I feel weak and embarrassed because even though I have a great family, food on the table and the chance to go to university I don't care. Somebody somewhere would give anything to have my life and I can't even appreciate it, let alone enjoy it. Sometimes I show up to work and just sit in chair for 8 hours. Every day I fight the urge to drop out of school because I feel like nothing will ever be good again. Sometimes I want to run. I don't know where I would run to or what I would do once I got there but sometimes it seems like the only way to get away from it all is just to leave it all behind.
This year my mind has wandered down some dark alleys, I haven't felt good about myself since November. I lost my sense of self-worth, I haven't slept straight through the night in so long, I don't even remember feeling anything other than tired. I lost 15 pounds in less than a month because I don't care enough to eat. I had multiple offers from multiple people before I could even accept help. It was like my brain was screaming at me, telling me I couldn't keep living this way but I would just shrug and tell people that it would pass, I had a tough year and it would all go away. But it didn't, it intensified until I was stuck in a vicious circle of unspeakable agony and soul crushing numbness.
So what?
Well, I'm still here, I'm still fighting. I keep a contract I made for myself in my wallet and I cling to it for dear life on the days I can't make it through the next hour let alone the next day. The contract reminds me that this darkness doesn't own me. And every day I become a champion of that darkness. Not because I have overcome it but because I haven't given myself over to it. So if you are fighting depression I am not here to tell you I've found the other side, I am here to tell you I am fighting on your side. Clinging to my wallet contract. Fighting depression doesn't feel brave, but you are brave. Brave to reach for hope when you can't feel it. Brave to get help because courage doesn't require isolation. Brave to hold on for one more day, one more hour, one more minute. You are brave and neither stigma nor the ignorance of society can take that from you. You are brave.
As you may have heard, Robin Williams passed away this week. After the initial shock, his death has sparked a lot of really important conversation topics like What is depression? How did someone so good at making us laugh hide such unimaginable pain? Why does Mental Health still carry such a social stigma? These are important and we need to talk about them more but I am not an expert. I can't tell you anything other than my story:
I am struggling with depression right now...today, in this moment. Today is neither especially good nor especially bad. Today is one bead in a long string of bad days. I had the will power to get out of bed today but that is just about it. I've sat down three or four times the past couple days trying to write this. I stopped because I realized halfway through one draft that I didn't care. I stopped because thinking about the person I used to be and who I am now is incredibly painful. I stopped because I feel weak and embarrassed because even though I have a great family, food on the table and the chance to go to university I don't care. Somebody somewhere would give anything to have my life and I can't even appreciate it, let alone enjoy it. Sometimes I show up to work and just sit in chair for 8 hours. Every day I fight the urge to drop out of school because I feel like nothing will ever be good again. Sometimes I want to run. I don't know where I would run to or what I would do once I got there but sometimes it seems like the only way to get away from it all is just to leave it all behind.
This year my mind has wandered down some dark alleys, I haven't felt good about myself since November. I lost my sense of self-worth, I haven't slept straight through the night in so long, I don't even remember feeling anything other than tired. I lost 15 pounds in less than a month because I don't care enough to eat. I had multiple offers from multiple people before I could even accept help. It was like my brain was screaming at me, telling me I couldn't keep living this way but I would just shrug and tell people that it would pass, I had a tough year and it would all go away. But it didn't, it intensified until I was stuck in a vicious circle of unspeakable agony and soul crushing numbness.
So what?
Well, I'm still here, I'm still fighting. I keep a contract I made for myself in my wallet and I cling to it for dear life on the days I can't make it through the next hour let alone the next day. The contract reminds me that this darkness doesn't own me. And every day I become a champion of that darkness. Not because I have overcome it but because I haven't given myself over to it. So if you are fighting depression I am not here to tell you I've found the other side, I am here to tell you I am fighting on your side. Clinging to my wallet contract. Fighting depression doesn't feel brave, but you are brave. Brave to reach for hope when you can't feel it. Brave to get help because courage doesn't require isolation. Brave to hold on for one more day, one more hour, one more minute. You are brave and neither stigma nor the ignorance of society can take that from you. You are brave.
Perfectly said. I'm fighting with you.
ReplyDeleteI'm fighting with you as well..
ReplyDelete