Leaving the Game: Part 1 How Did I Get Here?
Hey Mom!
Despite the fact that I have 3 seasons of eligibility left, I am no longer playing university basketball. In my journey to decide what was right for me I noticed there is literature for parents whose kids want to quit sports but nothing for high level athletes wondering if it's time to walk away from their respective sport. So here I am, an athlete, giving you all the reasons I have made this choice. In this post all I want to talk about is how I got to the point where I needed to decide if I could keep playing.
Over my basketball career, I've been a bench player, 6th man and starter. I've had losing seasons, winning seasons and in between seasons. I've had wonderful teammates and coaches as well as played on teams that well...weren't. I've played in 3 different post-secondary conferences over three years. All these changes, the extreme highs and lows, the fantastic people I've met and the people I wish I never had. I always came back. No matter how the season was going I always loved being in the gym because situations change but the game doesn't, a rebound is a rebound, a lay-up is a lay-up and a jump shot is a jump shot. For the first time since I was 13 this season was different. I wanted it to end. I started wishing practice would be cancelled and hoping it would be short when it wasn't. I've played basketball and been miserable but basketball has never made me miserable.
It is amazing what a difference a teammate can have. I have played with people so positive, if they would have told me to fly I would have flapped my arms and spent all my energy trying. These kinds of teammates put a spring back into your step, they are the first to encourage and the last to criticize and even when they do criticize it doesn't feel like it. It feels like they are pushing and challenging you because they can see the very best in you. As hard as it is to admit I am not that person anymore. A few times I caught myself snapping at teammates or displaying a negative attitude or body language. I never ever want to be the person who steals someone else's love of the game because they've lost their own. I remember being so desperate to play, I remember arriving early and staying late just so I could take a few more shots, I remember crying in the passenger seat on the way home after I found out I would get to play college basketball after all. How selfish would I be if I took that opportunity away from someone, only to wish the season would end?
All these things were factors that lead to me to evaluate whether I wanted to keep playing. However, for me there is a single moment that caused a tipping point. I was sitting on the bench during a particularly tough game and I felt my heart break, it was the first time I wondered "Why am I doing this?".
So I went home and called my brother and cried. After that I began the difficult task of deciding whether I could change or if I needed to change my environment.
Click here for Part 2
Despite the fact that I have 3 seasons of eligibility left, I am no longer playing university basketball. In my journey to decide what was right for me I noticed there is literature for parents whose kids want to quit sports but nothing for high level athletes wondering if it's time to walk away from their respective sport. So here I am, an athlete, giving you all the reasons I have made this choice. In this post all I want to talk about is how I got to the point where I needed to decide if I could keep playing.
I was unhappy.
Over my basketball career, I've been a bench player, 6th man and starter. I've had losing seasons, winning seasons and in between seasons. I've had wonderful teammates and coaches as well as played on teams that well...weren't. I've played in 3 different post-secondary conferences over three years. All these changes, the extreme highs and lows, the fantastic people I've met and the people I wish I never had. I always came back. No matter how the season was going I always loved being in the gym because situations change but the game doesn't, a rebound is a rebound, a lay-up is a lay-up and a jump shot is a jump shot. For the first time since I was 13 this season was different. I wanted it to end. I started wishing practice would be cancelled and hoping it would be short when it wasn't. I've played basketball and been miserable but basketball has never made me miserable.
I was in physical pain.
I fell on my low back during a practice in November. I got up right away and it didn't seem to hurt. But the next day it hurt, and would continue to hurt until the end of May. I was going to physio but it felt like every time I went it just hurt worse. It hurt to stand, it hurt to sit, it hurt to lie down. It hurt in practice, it hurt at home, it hurt in class. When I finally came home for the summer I got some imaging done and it turns out physio was indeed making it worse... three of the vertebrae in my lower back were twisted over and pressed on a nerve cluster and the exercises I was given for phsyio only made them twist farther over. It was so bad that I had pain shooting down my legs and the doctor was concerned that the damage wouldn't be reversible. Thankfully I have made some progress since then but 6 months of constant pain wore me down physically and mentally.
I was being a bad teammate.
All these things were factors that lead to me to evaluate whether I wanted to keep playing. However, for me there is a single moment that caused a tipping point. I was sitting on the bench during a particularly tough game and I felt my heart break, it was the first time I wondered "Why am I doing this?".
So I went home and called my brother and cried. After that I began the difficult task of deciding whether I could change or if I needed to change my environment.
Click here for Part 2
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