Leaving the Game: Part 2 Decisions, Choices, and Acceptance.

Hey Mom!

So if you haven't read part one you can click here

Last time I talked about getting to a place where I needed to decide if athletics were still for me, today is all about what governed my decision making.

I would like to make a distinction between a choice and a decision.  I made the choice not to return to Manitoba.  I made the choice to transfer schools.  I made the choice to stop playing basketball.  I decided to be happy.  A decision encompasses a series of choices and accepting the consequences of those choices...

I accept that it is for now

It most likely means I'll never play for a university again.  It doesn't mean I'm done with the game, there is still lots of time for me to watch and play and coach.  I love basketball.  I love playing defence.  I love it when I shoot and just know it's going in.  I love it when the net curls in on itself for half a second when the ball swishes through it.  I love feeling like I'm flying when I go in for a rebound.  I will always love basketball.

I accept that hoping for the best doesn't always result in the best

I really wanted things to work out.  I wrote out lists and goals and tried lots of different things to change how I felt.  Why do you think I waited until I had been home for a month before I chose to quit?  The optimist in me was holding out that things would change.  At some point I had to accept the fact that the situation was not going to change and I had to get out.

I accept that I am letting people down

No matter what decision I make I am letting someone somewhere down but the people that are in my inner circle love me anyway.  Some people try harder than others to hide it but I know.  I'm walking away from a scholarship and playing sports, a highly pursued and coveted privilege.

I accept that making steps in the right direction still HURTS

I still cry about it, I still have really bad days where all I can do is hold on.  It's not because I regret my decision it's because I wish with my whole heart that it had turned out differently.

I accept that there will always be 'What ifs"

What if I had gone to a different school?  What if I had lived off campus? What if I had access to a car?  What if I was more honest about how invisible and insignificant I felt?  Of course there are things I wish I would have done differently but I know the end result.  There is nothing wrong with wondering what if but beating myself up for what ifs has all the effect of me feeling stupid because I was an illiterate 3 year old.

Once I accepted these things it was much easier to see that I couldn't just return to the game. The game in itself was not the problem, it was the environment that went with it.  It was the long nights wishing I could be anywhere else, it was being on the verge of tears before I even got out of bed, it was feeling like I couldn't even make through the next hour let alone the rest of the day.  And it was taking a step back from all that and realizing I was not trapped in that situation.

So thank you basketball, thank you for all the wonderful people who believed in me and supported me.  Thank you for all the times I heard my Dad cheering from the back of the stands.  Thank you for all the car rides to and from the gym with my family.  Thank you for all the friendships forged.  Thank you for all the times you gave me a reason to get out of bed.  Thank you for getting me through some of the toughest times in my life.  I would not be the person I am today if I had not played basketball.

That is all.