Bitterness: The Ugly Cousin
Hey Mom!
So in the wee hours of the morning this morning I found myself hopelessly and utterly lost in my own head. As you may know, this past year has been rough and as a result of that I've chosen to walk away from athletics and transfer schools (for the third flipping time). And honestly, even though my situation changed, how I felt didn't. I still need time to process and heal and decide what exactly it is I'm going to do with my life. The problem is these past two weeks I've been allowing myself to do something that is counteractive to both those things. I let myself get really bitter and the thing about being bitter is it only makes you feel worse, which makes you more bitter, which only makes you feel worse, which makes you more bitter, which only makes you feel worse, which makes you more bitter, which only makes you feel worse, which makes you more bitter. <--- Do you see the circle? Do you see it's viciousness.
So this morning at 4:44am I was lying in bed, letting my bitterness fester. When suddenly I had this thought Why are you letting this beat you? Fair question. Why am I adding to the hurt I already feel but allowing it to twist me into something ugly? Why am I living a lesser life just because someone else made me feel worthless? Why have I become a champion of the darkness just to let it's ugly cousin rule me?
No more. No more living less. No more being mean because I'm scared of being hurt. No more wishing ill on someone else because things didn't go well for me. No more.
This will not beat me. This will not beat me, because I won't let it anymore. The truth is bitterness has only one strength: me. My thoughts give bitterness power and my thoughts will take it away. I will continue to move forward and heal but the bitterness stops here.
That is all.
So in the wee hours of the morning this morning I found myself hopelessly and utterly lost in my own head. As you may know, this past year has been rough and as a result of that I've chosen to walk away from athletics and transfer schools (for the third flipping time). And honestly, even though my situation changed, how I felt didn't. I still need time to process and heal and decide what exactly it is I'm going to do with my life. The problem is these past two weeks I've been allowing myself to do something that is counteractive to both those things. I let myself get really bitter and the thing about being bitter is it only makes you feel worse, which makes you more bitter, which only makes you feel worse, which makes you more bitter, which only makes you feel worse, which makes you more bitter, which only makes you feel worse, which makes you more bitter. <--- Do you see the circle? Do you see it's viciousness.
So this morning at 4:44am I was lying in bed, letting my bitterness fester. When suddenly I had this thought Why are you letting this beat you? Fair question. Why am I adding to the hurt I already feel but allowing it to twist me into something ugly? Why am I living a lesser life just because someone else made me feel worthless? Why have I become a champion of the darkness just to let it's ugly cousin rule me?
No more. No more living less. No more being mean because I'm scared of being hurt. No more wishing ill on someone else because things didn't go well for me. No more.
This will not beat me. This will not beat me, because I won't let it anymore. The truth is bitterness has only one strength: me. My thoughts give bitterness power and my thoughts will take it away. I will continue to move forward and heal but the bitterness stops here.
That is all.
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