I'm going to level with you.... whatever gets me closer to eating this sandwich.... that's what I want to do.

Hey Mom!

So it's three weeks into the semester and we are about to head into the 1st worst week (rhyming adjectives bonus x 1000).  Midterms are coming, papers are about to be due and we are starting to forget about all the hopes and dreams we had at Christmas.  Part of this is because we are all in school, working, making futurey-adult decisions and applying for summer jobs (except me I have a job... I think).  But the main reason is that our profs keep asking us, stupid, stupid questions thus slowly driving us insane.

It's been awhile since I've done a top ten list (I'm still bitter that BuzzFeed took off while my private shaw webspace blog went unnoticed), but I'm back and ready to participate in the generation of numbered lists.

Top Ten Inappropriate Questions to Pose to a University Student

1. What are your plans for the future?
• Well I've forgotten what human food tastes like and I haven't slept in two days but somebody keeps giving us assignments so I guess I'll just keep doing those.
2. What is that smell?
• Don't ask a question you don't want to know the answer to...either it's the yogurt that exploded in the bottom of my backpack two weeks ago OR I forgot to shower because I can't remember when yesterday ended and today started.
3. Are you tired?
• Am I tired? AM I TIRED?!? Am I human? Who isn't tired? 
4. Did everyone get the reading done?
• You know half of us haven't done it and are trying desperately not making eye contact with you (you know like in those hilarious dog videos where the dog who knocked over the trash can is hiding and then refuses to look at the owner?), the other half of us have read it and don't need your condescending affirmation... ma'am.
5. Ya Mama?
• Let's be honest this is just a motif placeholder at this point.
6. You look awful. Are you sick?
• Either I'm not sick and this is exactly what my face looks like or I am sick in which case... Thank you.  Thank you for reminding me that we are all stewing in the cesspool of germs that we can't escape because we can either get a doctor's note and miss class but risk contracting the bubonic plague in the clinic and definitely get sick immediately upon our return to class OR go to class and definitely get the same cold on four separate occasions.
7. Did everyone have a good weekend?
• Depends on how low your standards are.... I spent Saturday watching netflix in an emotional coma because I made the mistake of looking at the syllabus and realized THERE'S NO TIME FOR ANYTHING. On Sunday I snapped out of it via eating my weight in dry cheerios.
8. How are you?
• Efff you man.
9. Is everyone finished?
• I'm going to answer your question with a series of questions. How do you not hear the heavy breathing and frantic scratching of pencils?   Are you deaf? Are you blind? Have you ever written a test? Have you ever proctored an exam? Are you a sociopath? Why do you hate us?
10. Does that sound good to everyone?
• This is by far the most irritating question of all time because they are trying to trick us into believing we have a choice.  No, moving ahead doesn't sound good to me.  No, doing an extra experiment and writing an additional lab report just because we finished early doesn't sound good to me (this actually happened to me this week and I am still so salty). You know what sounds good to me? A sandwich, so if nodding my head and listening to you ramble on about derivatives or amino acids or whatever it is we are talking about in philosophy class will get me a little bit closer to eating that sandwich that is what I want to do.  That.

Ranting feels so good but always gives me indigestion later.

That is all.

p.s. This larger font is brought to by the fact that my Dad can't read these posts at the 12 point level.