Two Hundred Donuts and One Thousand Tears
Hey Mom!
So this past weekend my roommates got married. Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, two weddings on the same weekend? Why would your roommates do such a thing? No no no to each other, silly. Otherwise this blog post would be dripping with the dramatic telling of how two roommates planned their wedding for the same day in a larger-than-life game of relationship chicken. It would be a gripping tale about the boundaries of friendship in the pursuit of a fairytale wedding... this post won't be nearly as interesting. Instead, I'm talking about donuts!
I would like to preface this tale by telling you that I had only two responsibilities during this wedding so I know my stress level was minimal compared to literally everyone else involved:
1. Don't lose the keys to hall. No problem, I have pockets and lanyards. Cake walk.
2. Receive 200 donuts on the morning of the wedding and place them on a pre-constructed peg board. Sounds like a super fun activity right? WRONG.
I'm not going to lie to you, this donut board broke me. It unravelled my very being and when I was nothing more than a soul floating in void space, it pointed and laughed at me. Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, donuts don't seem like that big of deal. Don't you think you are being a little bit dramatic? To that I would say: I'M GETTING TO THAT, CARL, DON'T RUSH MY NARRATIVE!
So I don't lose the keys and I open up the hall. "Look at me go!"
Next the donuts arrive. "I'm so good at this!"
But then I attempt to slide them onto the pegs.... they don't fit. They. Don't. Fit. Ok no problem. The father of the bride is hanging some lanterns and comes over to give me a hand. He tries cutting one of the metal pegs... it breaks.
In the moment, I wish I could've made a "We've just been taken down a peg, eh?" joke. It would've been hilarious. It would have cut any fried dough related tension. I did not make that joke. Instead I spiralled like an expertly tossed football.
So we come up with the idea to try to use kebab skewers instead. I figured out that if I wedge two skewers into a single peg hole (I'm sorry, I know it sounds bad...please keep your crass commentary to yourself, Denise) they can hold the weight of two donuts.
At some point, I am alone in the hall with about 45 minutes until the DJ arrives. Suddenly, my body realizes I don't have to pretend to be a functioning adult anymore and start sobbing while sliding donuts onto skewers... Like huffy breathing, dehydrating, ugly crying (don't worry I didn't get tears on the donuts, I'm not a monster). THEN I realize how stupid it is to being crying about donuts so I start laughing.... like a maniac. Did I mention that this all happened in the span of about 5 minutes?
So how did I get here? Not once in my life have I ever thought You know what would throw me into hysterics today? A wall of donuts.
The truth is, the people we care about make us care about weird things like donut walls and the transportability of petunias and whether cross-dissolves are appropriate transitions for wedding slideshows (they are, just in case you're wondering). Your people matter, if those people want a donut wall, you gotta dig deep, accept some kebab splinters and press your face on your shirt sleeve to keep snot and tears off the donuts (not the glaze the bride and groom were looking for).
That is all.
So this past weekend my roommates got married. Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, two weddings on the same weekend? Why would your roommates do such a thing? No no no to each other, silly. Otherwise this blog post would be dripping with the dramatic telling of how two roommates planned their wedding for the same day in a larger-than-life game of relationship chicken. It would be a gripping tale about the boundaries of friendship in the pursuit of a fairytale wedding... this post won't be nearly as interesting. Instead, I'm talking about donuts!
I would like to preface this tale by telling you that I had only two responsibilities during this wedding so I know my stress level was minimal compared to literally everyone else involved:
1. Don't lose the keys to hall. No problem, I have pockets and lanyards. Cake walk.
2. Receive 200 donuts on the morning of the wedding and place them on a pre-constructed peg board. Sounds like a super fun activity right? WRONG.
I'm not going to lie to you, this donut board broke me. It unravelled my very being and when I was nothing more than a soul floating in void space, it pointed and laughed at me. Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, donuts don't seem like that big of deal. Don't you think you are being a little bit dramatic? To that I would say: I'M GETTING TO THAT, CARL, DON'T RUSH MY NARRATIVE!
So I don't lose the keys and I open up the hall. "Look at me go!"
Next the donuts arrive. "I'm so good at this!"
But then I attempt to slide them onto the pegs.... they don't fit. They. Don't. Fit. Ok no problem. The father of the bride is hanging some lanterns and comes over to give me a hand. He tries cutting one of the metal pegs... it breaks.
In the moment, I wish I could've made a "We've just been taken down a peg, eh?" joke. It would've been hilarious. It would have cut any fried dough related tension. I did not make that joke. Instead I spiralled like an expertly tossed football.
So we come up with the idea to try to use kebab skewers instead. I figured out that if I wedge two skewers into a single peg hole (I'm sorry, I know it sounds bad...please keep your crass commentary to yourself, Denise) they can hold the weight of two donuts.
At some point, I am alone in the hall with about 45 minutes until the DJ arrives. Suddenly, my body realizes I don't have to pretend to be a functioning adult anymore and start sobbing while sliding donuts onto skewers... Like huffy breathing, dehydrating, ugly crying (don't worry I didn't get tears on the donuts, I'm not a monster). THEN I realize how stupid it is to being crying about donuts so I start laughing.... like a maniac. Did I mention that this all happened in the span of about 5 minutes?
So how did I get here? Not once in my life have I ever thought You know what would throw me into hysterics today? A wall of donuts.
The truth is, the people we care about make us care about weird things like donut walls and the transportability of petunias and whether cross-dissolves are appropriate transitions for wedding slideshows (they are, just in case you're wondering). Your people matter, if those people want a donut wall, you gotta dig deep, accept some kebab splinters and press your face on your shirt sleeve to keep snot and tears off the donuts (not the glaze the bride and groom were looking for).
That is all.
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| I cannot take credit for the donut pun or the construction of the board itself. These were accomplished by much handier people who probably would've come up with a better solution than jamming sticks into the board... but here we are. |
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