Hey Mom!

Hey Mom! So you may have guessed by the title of this blog, I am going to launch into an inspirational narrative about how your past does define you and your future is so so bright and wonderful... You would be wrong, that would be a terrible guess. I don't understand why you can't just walk up to someone and say "So what's the backstory here? I'm not trying to be mean but I really want to know why you've decided to do what you're doing." Is it important to my life? No. Is it any of my business whatsoever? Absolutely not. For example, a few weeks ago my roommate and I started frequenting the gym after work. About halfway through our workout two guys come in and one of them works out while the other one sits on his phone at the front desk. To be clear, I have no problem with these guys, it's not like the guy who isn't working out is walking around being creepy and mouth-breathing all over the equipment. He's minding his own business w...

Hey Mom! So I'm currently sitting in Tim Hortons writing this because it's Roll Up The Rim (TM or Ltd or what the internet requires me to do to indicate that I don't own this malevolent cycle of hope and heartbreak). But it's Twenty Greateen which means I'm excited about the snazzy looking cups and also I thought the internet was down for the past day and half but it wasn't--OH MY WORD STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING (unless you are reading this.... which you are.... sooooo). I am sitting in a booth next to these people and it really seems like they are doing some sort of marriage counselling. Now I know what you're thinking, Mackenzie, you monster! Listening in on someone's intensely personal conversation, you were raised better than that. I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF TIM HORTONS! And I've turned up my music so loud, my ears physically hurt (as opposed to emotionally which they might start to do if I keep listening). What is the etiquette here? I have s...

Hey Mom! As you may have guessed from the title, I have recently acquired a poncho and it has changed my life. It has embraced my in its warm, multipurpose, economically priced arms and hood. Now if I'm honest (and I am nothing if not honest), I was not sold on the poncho. I know what you're thinking Mackenzie, how could you be hesitant about such a warm, sensibly patterned, economically priced gem?!?! And the answer to that is: NEW THINGS MAKE ME NERVOUS. Do you have any idea how long it was before I gave ellipticals a chance? It was years. I took one look at that low impact cardio machine and said "No thank you Sir or Madam, your futuristic, stationary, space skis make too many promises that they can't keep." However, my roommate, who was gracious enough to go with me, reminded me that trying on a poncho wouldn't kill me. So I did. I lived in the moment and I donned what would become the economically-priced poncho of my dreams. And let me tell yo...

Hey Mom! So I had a really hard time deciding what to write about this week... mostly because there is fine line between using humour as the lens with which I navigate my life and being inappropriate on the internet. And my original post was about 10 nautical miles over that line. So, here we are, closing in on the imaginary deadline I set for myself. I've spent most of today trying to think of ideas. These are those bad ideas: 1. How it took me 3 hours to do a 6 minute phone repair....  yeah that's pretty much all there is to the story. 2. The TV Doctor I would want to emulate if I ever get into medical school... turns out none of them... they all have terrible personal lives. 3. The pitfalls of using humour as a lens with which to navigate your life... turns out there are none! 4. I keep signing off work emails as "Yours in professionalism," but no one has said anything yet which makes me wonder if anyone reads my work emails. 5. That's really it.....

Hey Mom! So I have been without a phone since Christmas Eve. Now I want to say that this has been entirely my choice. Yes, I could pay human money to have a professional fix my phone... however, when I realized I could pay much less human money to fix it myself.   So I watched YouTube tutorials, I ordered parts and now I am just waiting. Yet in my solitude, I have learned many things.... here are 10 of them: TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED WHILST PHONELESS: I use my phone for much more than I realized. Turns out my phone is more than just a phone, it's also an alarm clock.... so basically I was semi-sleeping in a constant state of terror that my alarm wasn't going to go off... until I found my old ipod which, as it turns out, is also an alarm clock. Some people will only try to call you the moment your phone breaks. I have missed so many free cruises, you have no idea. N ot having a phone impacts others.... like my roommate who now has to find her phone instead of ...

Hey Mom! So I know my last post was a fairly trollish thing to do during the holiday season but it's back to business here in Twenty Greateen! So I've decided to approach this year with the attitude that there is lots to love (also to annoy my friends with whimsical sayings). Could we end up in the middle of nuclear apocalypse? We sure could! Could the GMOs, white bread and Flamin' Hot Cheetos finally kills us? Definite possibility! Could they make a sequel to Pacific Rim? They could and, in fact, did! BUT (and it's a big but, you cannot lie) despite all these things, I want to find things to love and be excited about. Could it be all the possible spellings of Twenty Greateen/20Gr18/20Gr8een? You bet! Could I get superpowers from the GMOs, white bread and Flamin' Hot Cheetos? Maybe but probably I'll just not be hungry anymore which is Wonder-full (get it? because I'd be full and also Wonder Bread? Oh man, you just can't put a price on this kind of ...

Hey Mom! So I sort of jumped the gun on my holiday posts so this week is not festive in nature but in this, the time of year when we are surrounded by loved ones-- OH WAIT! I'LL DO SOME REFLECTING... hang on let me grab a mirror. I don't actually own a handheld mirror and so I just took a picture of my tv reflection... why didn't I use the bathroom mirror? I have a perfectly logical reason that is none of your business. Yep. Still got it. That is all.

Hey Mom! So this week someone at work said that I was "sociable" and "outgoing" and while I am not complaining about receiving a compliment, I definitely feel that this is not the most accurate description of my personality. Sure, I have an uncurbable enthusiasm than is ever-expanding like the universe itself but that is coupled with the attitude that people are generally exhausting. HOWEVER! I've decided to really lean into this compliment because it's the time of year where you are surrounded by all your friends... and family... constantly. So at some point you will have to be outgoing and sociable when you don't want to be. Have no fear (and please don't strangle anyone with an ugly Christmas sweater)! I have compiled a list of things to do to trick people into thinking you are outgoing!  Top 10 Tips and Tricks for Being "Sociable" 1. Smile - use a mirror to make sure you aren't just baring your teeth. If you think you may h...

Hey Mom! I'm currently pushing the limits of the imaginary Thursday deadline I've made for myself. I know what you're thinking Mack, this thrill seeking behaviour is dangerous. I know, I've written myself a strongly worded admonishment and put it in my day planner with the hopes that I'll be more responsible in the future. I would like to talk to you today about a selfish Christmas decision that I made today. I looked all that was holly and jolly straight in the face and said "Bah! Humbug!" <--- this is not true, I added it for stylistic purposes and also because a humbug sounds like a really fun friend who knows the melody but none of the words to all your favourite songs. I bought Star Wars wrapping paper. Not because I come from a long line of Star Wars fans (if anything, I come from a long line of Star Wars tolerators). Not because Star Wars is Christmas themed (although a tauntaun of people have made the case that Episode V is full of Ho...

Hey Mom! If you've been in this alcove of the internet for awhile you know that I'm fairly certain that my life is a sitcom. With that in mind, a car dweller tendency (CDT) may be defined in the following way: Car Dweller Tendencies (CDT) - if you found out I was living out of my car, you wouldn't be surprised. Now, I'm imagining a cartoonish sitcom world where solutions to all problems can be found within 30 minutes. This means that I'm probably living in my car for a hilarious and very fixable reason (like I'm too stubborn to admit that a clown lamp given to me as a housewarming gift scares me... or something, I haven't put too much thought into it). So recently, I pulled into work and happened to park next to my boss.... then I realized that I had a pillow, a sleeping bag and a waffle iron in the backseat from a recent trip to Lethbridge (don't ask me why I needed a waffle iron, I just did). Then I realized if my boss walked past my car and th...