Hey Mom!

Hey Mom! I'd like to start by saying that nobody wanted or asked for this.... You're welcome. Thoughts at 4:30am this morning: So I have 3 back to back to back midterms tomorrow and I haven't slept yet.  I've stopped blowing my nose because I can't tell whether there's more blood coming from the outside or the inside.  Whatever I have has moved into my chest and I think breathing makes it angry.  But you know what? I am the coolest I have ever been. Sure I look like an Animorph Rudolph that probably crawled out of the same hole as the Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth, but you know who goes to bed after 4:30 am? Rockstars that's who!  Yeah, I didn't choose the celebrity life but it appears one very specific aspect of that lifestyle which also technically applies to nightshift workers chose me. Boo-to-the-YAH.  I think it's also important to note that I have a tattoo, own a guitar (which I can play 5 chords -- 2 of them are C's) AND have ...

Hey Mom! I'm writing this while I lie on the bathroom floor. Why are you lying on the bathroom floor? Full disclosure, I'm waiting to throw up. I've been fighting it for an hour but I know it's a losing battle.   Why don't you just throw up? Well because I feel like someone just ripped a waxing strip off the inside of my throat so if I order a street pizza it's going to burn like a ginger in direct sunlight.... Ugh close call. Mind if I bare my soul for a sec? I am deeply conflicted because I'm going to go to all my classes this week because I have 5 midterms in 3 days.  So to all my classmates: I am sorry for making you sick. But I want you to know:   I am hitting the handsani harder than a crafty person to Pinterest.  I'm not a barbarian so I don't cough directly into my hand.   I'm trying my best not to breathe near you but the truth is I can't help it.  UUUUUUUUHHHHH that time was really, really close, I'm on the preci...

Hey Mom! So first if you haven't seen Breathless or the Making of Breathless, I'll just leave this riiiiiight here. I wrote Breathless in September and thought it would be hilarious to post part of it on instagram with a really heartfelt caption.  The plan was to post a video a week later revealing the true nature of Breathless.  It would've been mildly funny. But after I met Marcela and she offered to produce the track it became over the top, pee your pants funny .  We took pictures and wrote artistic posts about the journey of music and how much we had learned (which I mean, I definitely did but all with in the context of being madly in love with my car).  She also kept me calm when YOU GUYS were so supportive and kind and all I wanted to do is phone you all crying and admit that it was just a silly song that you shouldn't take seriously.   Now even though she doesn't understand why I don't own a black blazer and resents profi...

Hey Mom! So it's three weeks into the semester and we are about to head into the 1st worst week (rhyming adjectives bonus x 1000) .  Midterms are coming, papers are about to be due and we are starting to forget about all the hopes and dreams we had at Christmas.  Part of this is because we are all in school, working, making futurey-adult decisions and applying for summer jobs (except me I have a job... I think).  But the main reason is that our profs keep asking us, stupid, stupid questions thus slowly driving us insane. It's been awhile since I've done a top ten list (I'm still bitter that BuzzFeed took off while my private shaw webspace blog went unnoticed), but I'm back and ready to participate in the generation of numbered lists. Top Ten Inappropriate Questions to Pose to a University Student What are your plans for the future? Well I've forgotten what human food tastes like and I haven't slept in two days but somebody  keeps giving us assign...

Hey Mom! So I am sitting in a room full of brightly coloured plastic chairs on wheels and I think that I may have truly lost my mind. Look at this chaos:    A few key features of what I am calling "The Crayola Disaster Unit": slide out cup holder ooooooh Wheels that do not lock in place  aaaaaah Weird penguin armrest things uuuuuuh? For those of you who are not aware, I was (am) that person who needed (needs) to sit in the same seat every class (also I should clarify that by needs I don't mean in a medical condition kind of way -- i.e. OCD-- I mean that I'm a very tightly wound individual and I find solace in assigned seating arrangements).  Anyway, now I can't even sit in the same seat every time because the seats are not fixed, so I have to settle for getting a red Crayola Disaster Unit every time but guess what? That sounds really infantile!  So now I have to pretend like I don't care what colour chair I get (even though I fluffin...

Hey Mom! So once again I did not die on the first day of school!  What I am consistently surprised by, is how often smart people can be so stupid.  One of profs spent a bunch of time (squiggly equal sign 20 minutes) talking about how much research he has done in learning styles, how he is using a revolutionary lecture structure AND how he puts everything on the internet because knowledge should be free. And immediately-directly-within-the-same-breath (redundancy points x 1000) he tells us we need to purchase (with our actual money) a textbook that he wrote!  Does nobody see the problem here?!? Am I losing my mind? Is he trolling us? I think he is trolling us.  He has to be trolling us.  Right? Please, please tell me that this is some sort of sick joke. Please (just imagine like a sugar glider or a puppy with eyes welling with tears) tell me there is some reason left in these cavernous halls. Just as an aside.... sometimes I wish I was born in the victorian...

Hey Mom! First day of a new semester means so many things.  Firstly, all my new years resolutions with be immediately nixed.  Secondly, I will be on sleep withdrawal for the first two weeks of class (symptoms include increased caffeine intake, irritability and inability to accept emotional hardship).  It also means for the next 24 hours or so I will be gripped with a constant, nauseating anxiety.  Let me paint a picture of my madness for you: I am worried. What if I go to the wrong classes? What if I forget a pen? What if I accidentally registered in the wrong class? What if the class suddenly ceases to exist? What if the entire university is a fake like that movie I saw that one time? What if everyone in my life is actually trolling me an whenever I leave the room they just laugh and laugh? WHOA, whoa I need to calm down. I am nervous. What if my classes are too difficult? What if I buy the textbook early but don't use it? What if I wait t...

Hey Mom! So I had a hilarious post about live-tweeting Die Hard and a top ten about new years resolutions for other people.  But the truth is I'm taking a break from everything (by everything, I mostly mean Facebook) for a little while,  I am finding that social media (with the exception of twitter, I flipping love twitter) is frustrating me and exhausting me (again except twitter, I flipping love twitter).  I've been feeling this way for a long time but it's difficult when that is the only way I connect with a lot of my friends and family.  It's time for a break though and so instead of posting a status and making a huge deal out of something that's really nothing, I thought I'd post this here (and only here).  But why? Well because I know you will all miss me desperately (or maybe throw a party) and grow concerned and end up here.... How youuuu doin'? Great to see you, you look well! How're things?  Has that rash cleared up? I'll still be blo...

Hey Mom! So it's that time of year again... while everyone else is filled with hope and cheer and good will toward humans, most university students are operating under the following crushing realizations: They will never be able to sleep, in fact they aren't sure if sleep ever existed The closer Christmas break gets the less time they to get crap done so they are trapped in this vortex of simultaneously increasing hope and despair.  One of their profs booked the exam on the last possible day at 7pm because they are LITERALLY EBENEZER SCROOGE REINCARNATE (I said literally and I meant it). But this... this was the last straw.  One of my profs brought in cookies for the class.  HOW DARE YOU?!? You come in here with your tupperware ensconced placation like some sort of Ph.D wielding, Paula Deen admiring, peon of "the man".  Is it a coincidence there are cookies available the week before instructor evaluations start? No. Not it is not.  I would remind you th...

Hey Mom! I am an emotional being.  Videos of dogs being united with their owners make me cry.  I don't really keep a diary but I do bottle things up until  I can cry while watching scrubs and process all the emotions swirling around in my little, tightly wound heart. And I shouldn't have to apologize for that. When the machines rise and take over the world (and they will rise and take over the world), everyone will blame themselves except me.  Why?  Because while other people will be disgusted at their own callousness I'll be over here like "I told you 10 years ago that those robots were going to end up hurting someone's feelings. In fact, I find that my own feelings are still hurt that you didn't take the time to really listen to my concerns." What I will apologize for is drinking coffee on an empty stomach. Caffeine typically doesn't affect me, I don't use it to pull all-nighters (I find intense fear of failure usually does the trick).  Ho...