Hey Mom!

Hey Mom! So as promised this week is my dumb, bad, dumb cooking disaster... in fact it will be my final cooking disaster. I didn't think anything could be worse than the descaler incident  of 2014, I was wrong... very, very, VERY wrong. In an effort to expand my culinary skills, I cooked fish for the first time.  I thawed the fish in cold water because apparently that's a thing that people do for reasons that don't matter.  I cooked it until it was opaque. It was delicious.  I served it with rice. So all this goes off without a hitch so I think Finally! I've found a cooking thing that I can do! I must be a fish wizard.  With my newfound confidence, I got myself a goodnight's sleep and decided to try my hand at yet another piece of fish. Fish Wizard reporting for duty! What kind of magic will I work on this protein today? As the fish was thawing I noticed some fine print expires March 23rd 2013  Not a problem for the Wizard of Fish, because as everyo...

Hey Mom! I was originally going to tell you about the straw that broke the camel's back aka the bad, dumb, bad thing I did that is my official retirement from the cooking world but I'm saving that for next week because it is GRAPHIC and you need a week to prepare yourself. So yesterday I learned how to change the oil in my car.  And let me tell you, it was a DISASTER... but like a fun disaster. Now this is something that I always thought every adult should be able to do this. And then I realized that I am, in fact, an adult who doesn't know how to change the oil in my car. Clearly I know exactly what I am doing.... Fast forward to me lying under my vehicle (station wagon because I am #SunglassesEmoji) unscrewing a bolt that is the only thing between myself and an ocean of motor oil. My brother opts for a hands-off teaching technique: "Make sure you have a tight grip on that bolt." Great! Instructions! I love following instructions. I make sure I have...

Hey Mom, I hadn't planned on commenting on the shooting that took place in Orlando.  Not because I don't care, but because sometimes when something awful happens it is best just to say nothing.  Say nothing and stop.  Stop and recognize that at least 50 people lost their lives. But we want answers. We want a solution and so we don't stop.  We point fingers at gun regulations and religion. Not only do we point fingers, but we want to debate those issues now. In this moment. Social media has become a war zone of blame. In a time when we should be coming together we are falling apart. Did the shooter ascribe to a very extremist religious group? Yes (emphasis on extremist, having been denounced by many muslim groups across North America and Europe). Did gun regulations make it easier for the shooter to acquire weapons? Yes. Should there be further debate about gun laws? Yes.   But now is not the time.  Because it doesn't come down to gun laws or extre...

Hey Mom! I'm just going to say it cooking is emotionally destabilizing. I know what you are thinking Mack, you are so hilarious and funny and insincere. I AM BEING SERIOUS. It's demoralizing. I go from zero to questioning my worth as a human being faster than you can yell G rease fire!   Now, as a grown real-live adult, I realize that I need to have this skill. But the least the cooking world could do is HELP ME! Firstly, recipes say to add oil... oh oil? That's a super useful piece of information.  Is it canola? Olive? Motor? What on earth is vegetable oil?!?! Olives are a vegetable? Aren't they?!? Secondly, people (and the internet) keep feeding me bad intel! I give you the tale of the egg noodles (complete with photographic evidence). My coworker (Vern) told me about making homemade pasta... "It's easy." he said.. "Anyone can do it!" he said. So I thought I'm anyone... I can do it!  So I carefully write down everything he said.  An...

Hey Mom! Is it wrong to offer a stranger Pepto-Bismol? I've been thinking about this a lot over the past two days... mostly because this girl was yarfing in the bathroom and I said to myself I should offer her some pepto!  Don't get me wrong I wasn't like Yo lady, want a swig o' the pink stuff? They are chew tabs that I happen to keep in my backpack (for reasons that don't concern you...I am after all a lady). On a completely unrelated note, sometimes ladies get diarrhea. Aaaaanyway, I was standing there (post whiz) thinking about whether it's weirder to offer good ol' PB to a stranger.  I mean it's definitely weird to pass chew tabs under a bathroom stall but which is weirder?  In the end, it didn't matter because while I was standing there musing about the nature of anti-nauseant exchanges she left. So to recap: 1. I am an awful human being who didn't even ask this woman if she was alright. 2. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD IN T...

Hey Mom! So as you are well aware I wrote the DELF exam today which is basically just a series of tests to judge what level of fluency one has.  I know normally that these are for you, Mom, but today I'd like to write an open letter to the poor soul who has to mark my exam... thanks for understanding. Dear Poor Soul, I just want you to know I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I used "gagner l'expérience" 17 times in a 150 word response.  I know that I put the accent on the wrong e (I've corrected it in this letter to spare you further agony). I also know that adding accents to english words does not magically turn them into french words. I won't tell you about the grand ideas I had about reforms to the post-secondary system (but I did).  I won't tell you that halfway through one of the recordings I started imagining that part of the Simpsons movie where he gets money upon moving to Alaska (but I did). And I won't tell you that after reading the ...

Hey Mom! I'd like to start by saying that nobody wanted or asked for this.... You're welcome. Thoughts at 4:30am this morning: So I have 3 back to back to back midterms tomorrow and I haven't slept yet.  I've stopped blowing my nose because I can't tell whether there's more blood coming from the outside or the inside.  Whatever I have has moved into my chest and I think breathing makes it angry.  But you know what? I am the coolest I have ever been. Sure I look like an Animorph Rudolph that probably crawled out of the same hole as the Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth, but you know who goes to bed after 4:30 am? Rockstars that's who!  Yeah, I didn't choose the celebrity life but it appears one very specific aspect of that lifestyle which also technically applies to nightshift workers chose me. Boo-to-the-YAH.  I think it's also important to note that I have a tattoo, own a guitar (which I can play 5 chords -- 2 of them are C's) AND have ...

Hey Mom! I'm writing this while I lie on the bathroom floor. Why are you lying on the bathroom floor? Full disclosure, I'm waiting to throw up. I've been fighting it for an hour but I know it's a losing battle.   Why don't you just throw up? Well because I feel like someone just ripped a waxing strip off the inside of my throat so if I order a street pizza it's going to burn like a ginger in direct sunlight.... Ugh close call. Mind if I bare my soul for a sec? I am deeply conflicted because I'm going to go to all my classes this week because I have 5 midterms in 3 days.  So to all my classmates: I am sorry for making you sick. But I want you to know:   I am hitting the handsani harder than a crafty person to Pinterest.  I'm not a barbarian so I don't cough directly into my hand.   I'm trying my best not to breathe near you but the truth is I can't help it.  UUUUUUUUHHHHH that time was really, really close, I'm on the preci...

Hey Mom! So first if you haven't seen Breathless or the Making of Breathless, I'll just leave this riiiiiight here. I wrote Breathless in September and thought it would be hilarious to post part of it on instagram with a really heartfelt caption.  The plan was to post a video a week later revealing the true nature of Breathless.  It would've been mildly funny. But after I met Marcela and she offered to produce the track it became over the top, pee your pants funny .  We took pictures and wrote artistic posts about the journey of music and how much we had learned (which I mean, I definitely did but all with in the context of being madly in love with my car).  She also kept me calm when YOU GUYS were so supportive and kind and all I wanted to do is phone you all crying and admit that it was just a silly song that you shouldn't take seriously.   Now even though she doesn't understand why I don't own a black blazer and resents profi...

Hey Mom! So it's three weeks into the semester and we are about to head into the 1st worst week (rhyming adjectives bonus x 1000) .  Midterms are coming, papers are about to be due and we are starting to forget about all the hopes and dreams we had at Christmas.  Part of this is because we are all in school, working, making futurey-adult decisions and applying for summer jobs (except me I have a job... I think).  But the main reason is that our profs keep asking us, stupid, stupid questions thus slowly driving us insane. It's been awhile since I've done a top ten list (I'm still bitter that BuzzFeed took off while my private shaw webspace blog went unnoticed), but I'm back and ready to participate in the generation of numbered lists. Top Ten Inappropriate Questions to Pose to a University Student What are your plans for the future? Well I've forgotten what human food tastes like and I haven't slept in two days but somebody  keeps giving us assign...