The Un-Victory
Hey Mom!
So this week I knocked another item off my Things-All-Adults-Should-Know-How-To-Do list which was learning to drive a standard. Every adult should know how to do this because in the case of a weird emergency where someone is slightly maimed but not maimed enough to require an ambulance an adult-type person might have to drive a car with a manual transmission (also for those of you who are all yeah but what if the adult is blind? You are making a pretty hasty generalization when you say all adults...I would say the following: Don't be dumb).
I've made a previous attempt but if I am honest (and with the amount of bowel related information I share, you should know that I am nothing if not honest), the only successes I had were:
1. Successfully stalling the car six times in a row
2. Successfully having someone give up on teaching me.
See kids? When you put successfully in front it looks like you didn't fail miserably (thumbs up!).
I would like to take this opportunity to tell you that I am not a natural behind the wheel. I learned to drive slowly and painfully and with many tears. I even failed driver's training the first time I took it (thanks for nothing, Lloyd). That's right, driver's training, not even the driver's test (which I would go on to successfully fail on my first attempt). Now that being said, I consider myself to be a pretty good driver after practicing for the past 7 years but it was a process.
So Saturday morning, my brother was gracious enough to take me out in his car and let me tear around while he explained how the clutch worked. So I clutched and I shifted and then I stalled and I clutched and I applied too little gas, then too much gas and I heard terrible, terrible sounds a car should never make. Finally with a lot of patience and a bit whiplash I was driving a standard... well enough to drive someone very slowly, with hazard lights on, in a last resort case of emergency.
See how we're still smiling? This means two things:
1.We didn't die.
2. I didn't destroy my brother's bmw.
So I called the venture a victory... Go team learn to adult!
And then experienced the antithesis of victory (it's not defeat, although that's probably a more correct use of antithesis): an un-victory. For those of you who don't know, an un-victory is an event that follows a victory which destroys any self-esteem or feelings of competence garnered in the victory.
I LOST MY LANDLORD'S DOG.
The first thing that happened was I had a flashback of the time I lost my Uncle Dan's dog Simba and walked home, sobbing, dragging his empty leash behind me (turns out he just ran home which probably hurt more than if he had run away because he didn't want to run away from everyone... just me). So I reverted back to my 3rd grade self and grabbed the dog's leash and began to wander the neighbourhood. As an adult I feel it important to tell you I did not cry... I did however choke back tears the entire time for a few reasons:
1. Telling someone you lost their dog seems like one of the worst conversations you can have.
-Hey I lost your dog.... sorry.
-My dog?!? My best friend and companion. She saved me after I fell through thin ice once. She's a hero.
-I... I'm sorry... If there's anything I can do....
-Give me your kidney!
-Yeah ok.
2. I felt dumb.
3. The dog in question is old and has a limp. If Lady and the Tramp taught me anything it's that dogs like that don't last long in the pound.
4. There are cars in my neighbourhood...DO YOU KNOW WHAT CARS DO TO DOGS?!?
5.I felt suuuuper dumb.
So, I wandered the neighbourhood for hours (20 minutes) until a neighbour said she had seen the dog a few houses down. So I rescued the dog from the clutches of freedom and as it turns out, the dog escapes all the time and just comes back to the front door when she is done exploring the neighbourhood.
Then a couple hours later, the same dog ate half a chocolate cheesecake off the counter. Given that there were two dog related mistakes made and mine didn't involve a dog eating chocolate (she's fine by the way, she's got an invincible digestive system... I've seen her eat magnets) AND in the case of a weird emergency I could totally drive the dog to the vet in a standard car meant that I had button mashed my way to a reversal....
UN-VICTORY REVERSED--- VICTORY REINSTATED.
That is all.
So this week I knocked another item off my Things-All-Adults-Should-Know-How-To-Do list which was learning to drive a standard. Every adult should know how to do this because in the case of a weird emergency where someone is slightly maimed but not maimed enough to require an ambulance an adult-type person might have to drive a car with a manual transmission (also for those of you who are all yeah but what if the adult is blind? You are making a pretty hasty generalization when you say all adults...I would say the following: Don't be dumb).
I've made a previous attempt but if I am honest (and with the amount of bowel related information I share, you should know that I am nothing if not honest), the only successes I had were:
1. Successfully stalling the car six times in a row
2. Successfully having someone give up on teaching me.
See kids? When you put successfully in front it looks like you didn't fail miserably (thumbs up!).
I would like to take this opportunity to tell you that I am not a natural behind the wheel. I learned to drive slowly and painfully and with many tears. I even failed driver's training the first time I took it (thanks for nothing, Lloyd). That's right, driver's training, not even the driver's test (which I would go on to successfully fail on my first attempt). Now that being said, I consider myself to be a pretty good driver after practicing for the past 7 years but it was a process.
So Saturday morning, my brother was gracious enough to take me out in his car and let me tear around while he explained how the clutch worked. So I clutched and I shifted and then I stalled and I clutched and I applied too little gas, then too much gas and I heard terrible, terrible sounds a car should never make. Finally with a lot of patience and a bit whiplash I was driving a standard... well enough to drive someone very slowly, with hazard lights on, in a last resort case of emergency.
 |
See how we're still smiling? This means two things:
1.We didn't die.
2. I didn't destroy my brother's bmw.
So I called the venture a victory... Go team learn to adult!
And then experienced the antithesis of victory (it's not defeat, although that's probably a more correct use of antithesis): an un-victory. For those of you who don't know, an un-victory is an event that follows a victory which destroys any self-esteem or feelings of competence garnered in the victory.
I LOST MY LANDLORD'S DOG.
The first thing that happened was I had a flashback of the time I lost my Uncle Dan's dog Simba and walked home, sobbing, dragging his empty leash behind me (turns out he just ran home which probably hurt more than if he had run away because he didn't want to run away from everyone... just me). So I reverted back to my 3rd grade self and grabbed the dog's leash and began to wander the neighbourhood. As an adult I feel it important to tell you I did not cry... I did however choke back tears the entire time for a few reasons:
1. Telling someone you lost their dog seems like one of the worst conversations you can have.
-Hey I lost your dog.... sorry.
-My dog?!? My best friend and companion. She saved me after I fell through thin ice once. She's a hero.
-I... I'm sorry... If there's anything I can do....
-Give me your kidney!
-Yeah ok.
2. I felt dumb.
3. The dog in question is old and has a limp. If Lady and the Tramp taught me anything it's that dogs like that don't last long in the pound.
4. There are cars in my neighbourhood...DO YOU KNOW WHAT CARS DO TO DOGS?!?
5.I felt suuuuper dumb.
So, I wandered the neighbourhood for hours (20 minutes) until a neighbour said she had seen the dog a few houses down. So I rescued the dog from the clutches of freedom and as it turns out, the dog escapes all the time and just comes back to the front door when she is done exploring the neighbourhood.
Then a couple hours later, the same dog ate half a chocolate cheesecake off the counter. Given that there were two dog related mistakes made and mine didn't involve a dog eating chocolate (she's fine by the way, she's got an invincible digestive system... I've seen her eat magnets) AND in the case of a weird emergency I could totally drive the dog to the vet in a standard car meant that I had button mashed my way to a reversal....
UN-VICTORY REVERSED--- VICTORY REINSTATED.
That is all.
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