Hey Mom!

Hey Mom! So it's that time of year again... while everyone else is filled with hope and cheer and good will toward humans, most university students are operating under the following crushing realizations: They will never be able to sleep, in fact they aren't sure if sleep ever existed The closer Christmas break gets the less time they to get crap done so they are trapped in this vortex of simultaneously increasing hope and despair.  One of their profs booked the exam on the last possible day at 7pm because they are LITERALLY EBENEZER SCROOGE REINCARNATE (I said literally and I meant it). But this... this was the last straw.  One of my profs brought in cookies for the class.  HOW DARE YOU?!? You come in here with your tupperware ensconced placation like some sort of Ph.D wielding, Paula Deen admiring, peon of "the man".  Is it a coincidence there are cookies available the week before instructor evaluations start? No. Not it is not.  I would remind you that the

Hey Mom! I am an emotional being.  Videos of dogs being united with their owners make me cry.  I don't really keep a diary but I do bottle things up until  I can cry while watching scrubs and process all the emotions swirling around in my little, tightly wound heart. And I shouldn't have to apologize for that. When the machines rise and take over the world (and they will rise and take over the world), everyone will blame themselves except me.  Why?  Because while other people will be disgusted at their own callousness I'll be over here like "I told you 10 years ago that those robots were going to end up hurting someone's feelings. In fact, I find that my own feelings are still hurt that you didn't take the time to really listen to my concerns." What I will apologize for is drinking coffee on an empty stomach. Caffeine typically doesn't affect me, I don't use it to pull all-nighters (I find intense fear of failure usually does the trick).  Ho

Hey Mom! Ok I am giving myself 10 minutes to write this... Ready? Go! HAPPY BLOGGIVERSARY! Now I know we normally celebrate the last weekend of August but this year has been nothing but madness so far so we will have to do cake next Thursday!  Currently I am less than a week away from my MCAT exam, taking 5 classes (3 of which have labs), working and pursuing my dream as a modern day bard.  So basically I am really busy being unsuccessful at multitasking. Now it takes a special kind of talent to be going into my 5th year of a 4 year degree so let me pass on my wisdom to you: TOP TEN UNIVERSITY SUCCESS TIPS 1. Do not transfer schools, it is the equivalent of burning money. 2. Do not smash your head through the passenger window while someone rolls the car... your brain does not appreciate the hostility and will seek revenge via headaches and forgetting literally every thing you need to remember. 3.Being in university is like paying someone to punch you in the stomach, so yo

Hey Mom! So as you may have guessed by the title of this post I am currently nursing an injury....mostly to my pride.  Now I embarrass myself in public all the time.  For example I got stuck in a truck (YOU'VE BEEN SEUSSED!) for five minutes today because the wind blew the door shut on the back of my knees which caused my belt buckle to get caught on the door latch.  I know what you're thinking: 5 minutes isn't so bad, it's not like you had to call the fire department.  Well let me tell you, 5 minutes is long enough to seriously consider calling the fire department AND it's long enough for the aforementioned door to cut off circulation to your legs so when you free yourself from Sierra prison you drop like a rag doll onto the pavement. BUT we are not here to talk about me... oh wait... yes we are. A few days ago I was trying to use the bathroom (as I so often do).  This particular (public) bathroom had a very narrow gap between the sink and the door so after

Hey Mom, So my job searching while fruitless has given me the chance to really think about a resume.  It's the best parts of us.  It's our skills and experiences that equip us for whatever work we are looking for.  Then I thought what if resumes were completely honest about everything?  What if our resumes showed a more well rounded picture of our lives?  Hang on to your hats kids because I have done just that. Cover Letter: To Whom It May Concern: My name is Mack and I'm looking for a summer job that pays pretty well and hopefully is casual.  It's not that I don't have business attire it's just that when I get dressed in the morning I really worry about betraying my gender in the workplace (Should I wear pants that fit because I am a fierce independent woman that is not ashamed of my atypical body type or should I wear a men's suit because I don't ascribe to gender stereotypes?), so if everyone just wears jeans and a t-shirt it makes my life muc

Hey Mom! So you know when someone tells you about something stupid they did and you find yourself thinking How could anyone be THAT dumb?  Well prepare yourself. So it's finals time for high school students which means I am tutoring for 7-10 hours a day.  For the most part this is a good thing.  However, it also means I say things like "Don't forget the molar ratio." or "What SI units do we use here?" on repeat. For days. Aaaaaaaanyway, the actual relevant part of this story is that I am sitting, hunched over textbooks for extended periods of time which means by the end of the day my back hurts.  So yesterday when I finished work I decided to throw on some tiger balm. If you aren't familiar with tiger balm just imagine A535 except instead of being infused with wintergreen it's drenched in all the feral rage of an apex predator. So because this stuff is pretty potent, I made ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I washed my hands. So I go to bed. I rub my e

Hey Mom, It's Mother's Day. I can't help but think we should be having brunch.  There should be some new flowers in a vase,  the fancy plates should be on the table, there should be a meal we offered to cook for you, but you insisted you wanted to cook for us, even on Mother's day.  We should be having brunch. The truth is you shouldn't have had to hold your Dad's hand as he passed away this morning, you shouldn't have had to worry about making it in time.  You shouldn't have had to share grief with your own mother today. But you did. You did and here we are and all I can think about is how we should be having brunch.  I know the emotions that I currently find myself wrestling with are nothing but raindrops compared to the ocean of feelings you must be facing.  I know that someone who was there for your whole life is gone and all the 'sorry for your loss's in the world can't change that or make it feel any differently. I also know

Hey Mom! So remember last time when I talked about why we should exercise?  Well boy oh boy do I have a tale for you! A couple days ago I started a new workout plan and until today it has been going great.  I'm going to come clean here and just say that the first day was a low impact work out for senior citizens (No, I'm not embarrassed). I decided I was going to get into the habit of working out at the same time every day so that I wouldn't have any excuses to skip.  Unfortunately the only consistent time in my life is first thing in the morning. So I am out of bed and warming up.  The problem is my muscles are warming up but my brain is not waking up.  The first exercise this morning was drop squats.... what kind of sociopath starts their workout with drop squats?  If you don't know what a drop squat is... Start with your feet together, jump into a sumo wrestler stance, then squat until your legs are bent to 90 degrees. My half-asleep brain sees the trainer

Hey Mom! Now that the only sport I play is Wii Tennis (bowling is too hard, boxing is exhausting and quite frankly, golf is stupid) and I need to find brand new ways to take control of my fitness... yes I have joined the ranks of mere mortals and now need to motivate myself to exercise: Top Ten Reasons to Work Out 1. Serial killers exist: Think about that next time you decide to go for a run,  fleeing imminent death cardio is next level. 2. Groceries: specifically having to make two whole trips after a large grocery run (I'm looking at you Costco), I'd rather die... at the gym so I never have to enter into the purgatory that is two-trip groceries. 3. You never know when you'll have to win an arm wrestle: seriously wars have been won and lost, nations conquered or defeated all because of poor fitness. 4. Ya Mama shouldn't be able to lift more weight than you... she's frail 5 .Combatting butt disease:  What happens when you find yourself in a situat

Hey Mom! I have went from Lethbridge to Vancouver to Calgary to Edmonton this week.  I smell like roadkill and I have a zit the size of the Michigan under my nose. I believe the zit is a metaphor for my current state of affairs... Under a ton of pressure and oozing fluid. Anyway.   today I went from Calgary to Edmonton to visit my brother's puppy.... I mean my brother....'s puppy..... dang it. We headed back to Calgary from whence my sister and I continued on to Lethbridge.  Or at least we attempted to.  It suddenly turned to winter and we are currently stranded in Claresholm. It's not so bad.  We found motel room in this teeny-wiener town and there are flamingos, grizzly bears and cacti on the comforters (down right neato if you ask me).  The drunk gentleman attempting to steal a vaccuum from the front desk was very polite.... staring at someone without saying a word for three straight minutes is polite right?  It's cold enough out that the Chinese food in the tru

Hey Mom! So one of my New Years resolutions is to learn how to cook and as such I have almost engulfed my kitchen in a fiery inferno on 16 separate occasions.  Now it's been about a month so obviously I'm a master chef and have a complete knowledge of all things food related. Of course it would be selfish to keep all this new found information to myself so I've decided to open a culinary school. While I'm waiting for the paper work to go through I've compiled a list of pro tips for all you hopeless people at home. Top Ten Pro-Tips for Aspiring Chefs 1. Anything is edible if you put enough ranch dressing on it. 2. If you aren't sure if something is cooked all the way ask a friend to try the first bite and wait 30-40 minutes. 3. You can become immune to food poisoning... at least I hope this is true because I've had it atleast 4 times since September (it was only my fault 3 of those times.... I am, after all, a professional). 4. Ya Mama is not as

Hey Mom! So they are replacing all the windows in my apartment building.  It's fine it's only winter and they are popping windows off the place like it's a giant Mr. Potato head.  This is not worst the part. For the rest of the month they can come at anytime between 8am and 4:30pm on any day they wish. This is not worst the part. The worst part dear friends is that this morning I spilled an entire litre of water on my bed.  I was trying to be all cool and casual and so I took a sip of my water bottle and then tossed it on my bed (all coolly and casually) and apparently the lid was not on the whole way... so the water flowed all cool and casual soaking my whole bed. Furthermore, I have taken the sheets off my bed and brought them to Calgary to wash them (because my parents don't charge me to do laundry).  So if at any point this weekend they show up... they will find a bare  mattress with a wet spot that looks awfully suspect. I'm not embarrassed about the Av

Some of you I saw in Sunday School, some of you I babysat and some of you were my campers at camp.  This is for all of you. To My Girls, First of all, I want to thank you.  You taught me so many things (like patience, some of you were really good at teaching patience), I still have every letter, every drawing, every craft you were gracious enough to bestow upon me.  These are treasures, not unlike yourselves. I want you to know I think about you often.  You are all on my heart.  This year more than ever as I have realized some of you are in high school now! I am so proud of you guys! Some of you are athletes, some of you are musicians or artists.  No matter what your passions are; seeing you fuel your talents and callings is amazing. I've also seen that some of you are struggling.  Some of you have been faced with all the unfairness life can throw at you.  This makes my heart break for two reasons: 1. I can never fully understand what you are going through and that mak

Dear Epson Printer, You're the worst.  I've given this relationship everything I have but I'm tired.  Tired of doing the little things like replacing your ink cartridges and making sure you have any size and density paper you could ask for. Until today that has all been worth it.  All the fighting and paper jams and ridiculously expensive ink, I was happy to work things out. Until today.  Today I realized that the problem wasn't the ink.  You had plenty of ink.  You are a greedy and ungrateful printer,. I have needs.  And today I paid 11 cents to have those needs met by communal printer at the library.   You could've been my one and only Epson Printer... I would've been faithful to you until the ends of the earth. I will not cry any more tears because of you Epson Printer.  I've had enough yesterdays and given up too many tomorrows.  We're done. Sincerely, Mackenzie T Judd

Hey Mom! So if you've never had the pleasure of sweating through a pair of jeans and a hoodie boy do I have an anecdote for you! After I returned from beautiful, warm Cuba.  I got a beautiful warm flu (I even got projectile vomit and diarrhea! Yay for dehydration).  So like the mentally tough person I am, I laid in bed and cried and wheezed. On Tuesday I wrote my MCAT and headed for Lethbridge so I could go to class all evening. So I walked in to my first class and someone sits beside me and starts asking how my day is and if I like this class, and just generally being a good human being.  Meanwhile, I can't breathe and my nose is oozing and my intestines feel like someone is trying to twist them int0 balloon animals. Class starts. Class finishes.  My fever sweat has soaked through all my clothes and when I stand up to push my chair in.... full body sweat print.  So at this point I realize I have to follow gym protocol and wipe this chair down... except I've got n