Hey Mom!

Hey Mom! I'm posting this a little later than usual because I was waiting to see if the banana bread I made would cause projectile vomit and emotional trauma.  Since that didn't happen I had to pick something equally unpleasant: running. So as I'm sure you are sick of hearing I PLAYED A SPORT THAT ONE TIME... great now that we've got that out of the way.  Recently, I've been running again because I was operating under the assumption that I  love  running.  Turns out, I  loved  running.  You want to know why? Because I didn't need to run. Nowadays running is an integral part of my fitness routine.  So in honour of this epiphany I have decided to present you with the following juxtapositions: Running: Then and Now Then: I'm bored I think I'll go for a run. Now: It's cardio day? Again? Well I think I love running. I just need 45 minutes to emotional prepare myself. Then: Well I guess I better fuel up... I'll just eat 4 tacos on my w...

Hey Mom! So I decided to pour all my momentum from my un-victory reversal into another adult related hurdle which is sleep. I am really good at getting up at the same time every morning (6:15-6:30) however, I am AWFUL at falling asleep at the same time every night.  Now before you go and give me a bunch of logical, level-headed suggestions like Turn off your phone 2 hours before you go to bed or Try melatonin or here's this breathing thing I learned that is supposed to put you to sleep in SECONDS know that I have tried all these except melatonin because I'm not a billionaire and vitamins/supplements are a complete RIP OFF... Listen,  I'm sure you used an essential oil once and it put you right to sleep but it's just more economical to pop a couple benedryl and catch your zeds that way (that's right I said zeds because I'm Canadian as fluff). ***IF THERE ARE ANY MINORS READING THIS DO NOT USE BENEDRYL AS A SLEEP AID... you'll probably pee the bed AND the ...

Hey Mom! So this week I knocked another item off my Things-All-Adults-Should-Know-How-To-Do list which was learning to drive a standard.  Every adult should know how to do this because in the case of a weird emergency where someone is slightly maimed but not maimed enough to require an ambulance an adult-type person might have to drive a car with a manual transmission (also for those of you who are all yeah but what if the adult is blind? You are making a pretty hasty generalization when you say all adults... I would say the following: Don't be dumb). I've made a previous attempt but if I am honest (and with the amount of bowel related information I share, you should know that I am nothing if not honest), the only successes I had were: 1. Successfully stalling the car six times in a row 2. Successfully having someone give up on teaching me. See kids? When you put successfully in front it looks like you didn't fail miserably (thumbs up!). I would like to take this...

Hey Mom! The adventure continues! So far this summer has been a summer of learning to adult better. However, I am finding more and more that this is a sort of two steps forward, one step back situation.  Here is my one step back: I got stuck in a jacket for at least an hour at work last week. Now for those of you who don't know... I spend almost no money on clothes (the outfit I am currently wearing cost me $6) so you can imagine that spending 5 whole Canadian dollars on a jacket was a BIG deal.  Some of the folly involved with buying clothes at a reduced cost is sometimes they have flaws intrinsic to their construction. The flaw with the jacket is that it has a sort of flap that fits under the zipper. Now I've had the jacket for awhile and as far as I can tell, the flap serves only one purpose: getting stuck in the zipper.  What this means is that I get temporarily stuck in the jacket every time I try to zip or unzip it (which is really embarrassing because even Fr...

Hey Mom! LAST WEEK: Mack, Wizard of Fish, was down on her luck as she ate expired fish and proceeded to have an out of bowel experience. THIS WEEK: On Thursday night (or Canada Day Eve, if you prefer) I made fish and chips: Marvel at the light flakey exterior, look in want at the crispness of the chips In the interest of being honest I feel you should know I burnt the first two... badly... really badly Now there are a few pieces of knowledge I'd like to impart upon you mere mortals (the fish wizard is immortal, in case you were wondering). 1. I know absolutely nothing about beer. Neither of my parents drink and I played sports for so long and feel strongly that athletes shouldn't drink (unpopular, I know). So I walked into the liquor store looking for a single can of beer (firstly, WOW you can buy a single can of beer?!?), I gazed upon the wall of single beer cans and thought  does lite beer mean it's diet, like it's got a bunch of aspartame in it? S...

Hey Mom! So as promised this week is my dumb, bad, dumb cooking disaster... in fact it will be my final cooking disaster. I didn't think anything could be worse than the descaler incident  of 2014, I was wrong... very, very, VERY wrong. In an effort to expand my culinary skills, I cooked fish for the first time.  I thawed the fish in cold water because apparently that's a thing that people do for reasons that don't matter.  I cooked it until it was opaque. It was delicious.  I served it with rice. So all this goes off without a hitch so I think Finally! I've found a cooking thing that I can do! I must be a fish wizard.  With my newfound confidence, I got myself a goodnight's sleep and decided to try my hand at yet another piece of fish. Fish Wizard reporting for duty! What kind of magic will I work on this protein today? As the fish was thawing I noticed some fine print expires March 23rd 2013  Not a problem for the Wizard of Fish, because as everyo...

Hey Mom! I was originally going to tell you about the straw that broke the camel's back aka the bad, dumb, bad thing I did that is my official retirement from the cooking world but I'm saving that for next week because it is GRAPHIC and you need a week to prepare yourself. So yesterday I learned how to change the oil in my car.  And let me tell you, it was a DISASTER... but like a fun disaster. Now this is something that I always thought every adult should be able to do this. And then I realized that I am, in fact, an adult who doesn't know how to change the oil in my car. Clearly I know exactly what I am doing.... Fast forward to me lying under my vehicle (station wagon because I am #SunglassesEmoji) unscrewing a bolt that is the only thing between myself and an ocean of motor oil. My brother opts for a hands-off teaching technique: "Make sure you have a tight grip on that bolt." Great! Instructions! I love following instructions. I make sure I have...

Hey Mom, I hadn't planned on commenting on the shooting that took place in Orlando.  Not because I don't care, but because sometimes when something awful happens it is best just to say nothing.  Say nothing and stop.  Stop and recognize that at least 50 people lost their lives. But we want answers. We want a solution and so we don't stop.  We point fingers at gun regulations and religion. Not only do we point fingers, but we want to debate those issues now. In this moment. Social media has become a war zone of blame. In a time when we should be coming together we are falling apart. Did the shooter ascribe to a very extremist religious group? Yes (emphasis on extremist, having been denounced by many muslim groups across North America and Europe). Did gun regulations make it easier for the shooter to acquire weapons? Yes. Should there be further debate about gun laws? Yes.   But now is not the time.  Because it doesn't come down to gun laws or extre...

Hey Mom! I'm just going to say it cooking is emotionally destabilizing. I know what you are thinking Mack, you are so hilarious and funny and insincere. I AM BEING SERIOUS. It's demoralizing. I go from zero to questioning my worth as a human being faster than you can yell G rease fire!   Now, as a grown real-live adult, I realize that I need to have this skill. But the least the cooking world could do is HELP ME! Firstly, recipes say to add oil... oh oil? That's a super useful piece of information.  Is it canola? Olive? Motor? What on earth is vegetable oil?!?! Olives are a vegetable? Aren't they?!? Secondly, people (and the internet) keep feeding me bad intel! I give you the tale of the egg noodles (complete with photographic evidence). My coworker (Vern) told me about making homemade pasta... "It's easy." he said.. "Anyone can do it!" he said. So I thought I'm anyone... I can do it!  So I carefully write down everything he said.  An...

Hey Mom! Is it wrong to offer a stranger Pepto-Bismol? I've been thinking about this a lot over the past two days... mostly because this girl was yarfing in the bathroom and I said to myself I should offer her some pepto!  Don't get me wrong I wasn't like Yo lady, want a swig o' the pink stuff? They are chew tabs that I happen to keep in my backpack (for reasons that don't concern you...I am after all a lady). On a completely unrelated note, sometimes ladies get diarrhea. Aaaaanyway, I was standing there (post whiz) thinking about whether it's weirder to offer good ol' PB to a stranger.  I mean it's definitely weird to pass chew tabs under a bathroom stall but which is weirder?  In the end, it didn't matter because while I was standing there musing about the nature of anti-nauseant exchanges she left. So to recap: 1. I am an awful human being who didn't even ask this woman if she was alright. 2. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD IN T...