Hey Mom!

Hey Mom! I am a frequent user of laundromats. It's a reality I live with, often times it a peaceful experience where I listen to podcasts or do some generalized brooding (it's the fluorescent lights, they are surprisingly good for brooding).  BUT (and it is a big but and no, I will not be discontinuing this joke in 2022) The most recent time I went the laundromat was packed, it was chaos. People were yelling at other people to get their stuff out of the washing machine, the change machine attempted some soothing ambiance by adding a constant, metallic clattering (like rain, but it hurts your teeth and your mind and your heart and your tympanic membranes). So I embraced my natural grace and athleticism by bumping into every single laundry cart in my vicinity and dropping 5 dollars worth of quarters on the floor.  Now, I think it is important to tell you that I take the efficiency of the laundromat VERY seriously. I set a timer to ensure that I am standing in front of my machine...

Hey Mom! Once again, I have been humbled by reality and general principles of physics. I want to start by saying that at no point in time should you feel sorry for me during this story. I did this to myself. I was doing a fair bit of running at the beginning of COVID but then I got sad and busy and also sad so I stopped. Since June 2020 I have run exactly TWO times. ALSO (because you really should not have even an ounce of pity for me) it is important to note that I have never been a long distance runner... ever. Onward! I decided to participate in an ultra marathon relay (ie. I ran part of a race that some people can run all by themselves… good for them). In the beginning, I had every intention of taking this seriously. I was going to go for runs and workout and drink water. What I did do was exactly none of those things. Instead I rolled up on race day wearing my housecoat with a backpack full of snacks. I drank 200mL of water and went on my way. Just a fool in a housecoat tempting f...

Hey Mom! I'll just cut to the chase here: I had to Sawzall the doorknob off my bedroom door. I know what you're thinking Surely, I have not read the above statement correctly. NO ANNABROCK, YOU ARE ADEQUATELY LITERATE! This situation might be funnier if it were not entirely my own, grown-adult, fault. The doorknob had been sticking recently and several times I thought I should really take this off and see what's going on in there  BUT  - and it is a big but- That thought was immediately followed by later, I will do this thing later. Unfortunately later came and went and then too late showed up around 10pm the night before work.  I go to turn the doorknob and this time it turns but the door does not open. I casually tell my roommate who is watching me struggle from the living room that this has happened a few times and I just need to *click* turn the knob *click* this way and the door *click* will *click* open ....orrrrr remain closed and locked.  So now I am rapidly ...

 Hey Mom! So I have both downloaded and deleted TikTok this week and I think the worst part is that I knew it would come to this. I have been pretty up front with my addictive personality, I have been honest and forthcoming about my Candy Crush issues and the fact that I have to use a very strict timer system to accomplish anything at all on my days off.  So it was with great hubris that I downloaded TikTok, that I, the great Mackarus, could spread my wings and fly so close to a world with endless content. Except I was not flying at all, I was under a mountain of blankets, in the dark, in the fetal position wearing a Star Wars onesie. Yeah verily, I was not flying at all. I was falling. For hours and hours I lay there, in darkness, scrolling. Despite the many things I wanted to do. The glorious winter snacks I had hoped to bake, the laundry I needed to fold, the podcast I recorded a week ago that I still haven't edited. I did none of them, I only lived for TikTok, I only brea...

 Hey Mom! So I'm sitting here wearing a broken bra. Now Mom, I understand that you probably don't want me to talk about my underwear on the internet BUT (and it is a big but), I promise it is not the focal point of this story. I have two bras, I have a work bra and a not-work bra. The other day I was adjusting the strap on my not-work bra when it snapped. Not a big deal, it's corona times and who even cares if my bra strap is hanging out the bottom of my shirt? This is what betrayal looks like So today I realized that I do, in fact, need to fix my not-work bra until it can be replaced. I didn't staple it because I'm 27 now and I'm tired of y'all lecturing me about the staples holding together my clothes. I could not find a sewing needle so I decide to safety pin it. What could go wrong? It's got safety right in the name! So I pin it and am impressed with my adulting abilities until I reach for something and the safety pin CATAPULTS off the bra and is fl...

Hey Mom! BEFORE I say anything else let me just say the following: I'm going to talk about social distancing and wearing a mask when that distancing can't be maintained in this post. If you're thinking Wow what a great opportunity for me to chime in about how stupid that is and Mack, you just need to RELAX already.  Go away.  If you have decided not to practice social distancing, I am not going to lecture you or engage in the same discourse I've had 1000 times but I do not have the energy to listen to you explain why the rules don't apply to you. Find another corner of the internet, I am having absolutely none of it. So I went running with a mask on today because one of the spots I like to frequent has a couple tight corners and so sometimes it's tough to maintain 2 metres if someone is approaching from the opposite direction and you don't see them because you are staring at the ground trying to remember what could've possibly possessed you to decide to ...

Hey Mom! Let's just cut to the chase shall we? I GAVE MYSELF HAND-STRAIN BY PLAYING TOO MUCH ANIMAL CROSSING! This is me... not being weird at all. So I bought myself Animal Crossing after a particularly stressful day. You ever just want to be alone on an island? Where the sun is shining and nobody can bother you. Where you can slip into a nice cat-wizard outfit and lie on the beach without a care in the world.  Now I may have been overzealous in curating the perfect island (I have a parade of fossils set up). AND THEN I DID THIS: So 85 hours is probably too many... definitely too many. So I noticed my hands felt sore where the console sits on my thumb flesh (again sorry, much like neck meat there's no good terminology... I would assume I did not check). BUT THEN MY HANDS LOCKED UP LIKE I HAD CARPAL TUNNEL! I went to pick up a pen and my finger locked in place, and you know what? IT WAS TERRIFYING, OLIVIONNE!  And you know in these trying times I am...

Hey Mom! I know what you are thinking:  How terrified are you right now?  Medium, let's move on. So due to my recent career change, I have spent an exponential amount of time at rodeos. Now I know we would love to sit around and discuss the moral implications of rodeos BUT I'M TRYING TO BRING SOME LEVITY TO THE TABLE SAMANDA! There are so many places on the internet you can fight about this... this is not one of those places so please please either read my fun story or go away. See, look... now you've made me hostile. Are you pleased with yourself, Carscilla? So a few months ago, I was at one of these such events. Honestly, I have all the rodeo knowledge of a 3 year-old: I know the difference between the cows and the horsies and I do not understand why I cannot pet the cows. Don't ask me about the events or how the scoring works because I do not know. ANYWAY I am at this rodeo (seeing the sights, living in fear of the horses) when they announce the next event: ...

Hey Mom! So Corona virus has finally made me do something insane. No, I didn't stockpile supplies. No, I didn't buy a hundred thousand medical masks. No, I do not own a float tank's worth of hand sanitizer to sleep in. No, I did not book a flight to travel the world for $15. I have been calm, cool and collected whilst taking extra time to wash my hands and not touching my face. BUT THEN I CALLED SOMEONE TO MAKE SURE THEY HAD TOILET PAPER. Now this person had sent me a message saying there was no toilet paper anywhere. And we both shook our heads and said "Wow people are cray-zee, eh?" and moved on with our lives. Well, I stopped in at the grocery store to get snacks after work today and I notice Hey they actually have toilet paper. We, of course, still have 12 rolls plus the two secret rolls I keep in case we run low because **shrug** BUT   (yes, Camronald, it is a big but), I thought oh they might not have gotten any toilet paper. AND THEN I CALLED THEM ON...

***DISCLAIMER: I wrote this two weeks ago and waited until now to make sure it was actually funny not just I've-been-crying-for-two-hours-and-have-now-descended-into-more-generalized-hysterics funny*** Hey Mom! So today is my day off. I slept in, I lounged and drank coffee but as the afternoon rolled around I decided to motivate myself to workout. I decided to do this by watching Youtube clips of dog rescue shows. I know what you are thinking Those two things are unrelated. To that I would say, that if a Dalmatian with backward eyelids can overcome their trauma and go onto to live a normal life after someone spends 16 hours trying to rescue them from under the floorboards of a bowling alley and then a vet does the surgery for free then I can definitely, definitely manage to workout on my day off. The title I clicked on was the same as all the other titles, something like "Super Team does everything they can, will it be enough?" AND YOU KNOW WHAT, LOU-AARON? IT...

Hey Mom! I've been pretty vocal about how much I hate corn mazes lately and I'd like to continue to do that. In this post, I intend to demonstrate that corn mazes are objectively evil and therefore deserve your disdain, first I need to be honest with my biases. When I was a teenager I was invited to attend a corn maze with a local youth group and then the girl who invited me DID NOT SHOW UP! Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, is this the source of your unwavering social anxiety?! The answer to that question is: No. And honestly if that's the worst thing that happened to you as a teenager, I simply cannot relate, Charlivia. Now if I had had my driver's license or been in walking distance of my house, I would've gone home. But I was 15 AND if I had had the directional sense to walk home, I might not hate corn mazes so much BUT WE DON'T LIVE IN THAT WORLD MARJAMIN! Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, that was over a decade ago, what are som...

Hey Mom! So recently I realized that I've been living here for two years and should probably branch out and try new things. Why? Mostly because I've watched quite a few Julia Roberts films at my roommate's behest and that's how she usually sorts herself out. As fate would have it, my resolve was immediately tested when I was invited to a drop-in boxing class.. in the park..during peak foot traffic hours. Now in case you need a visual, I would describe my boxing style as if you took someone who was drowning and put them on dry land, just a flurry of panicked limbs. You guys, I flailed the ol' goblin body around in PUBLIC VIEW. I should be charged with something... indecency probably. I am also definitely the worst person in the class. Now I know what you're thinking Mack, how could you possibly know that? I would tell you if you let me get a word in edgewise, Julshua! We were doing stairs and at one point I looked up mid-lunge and saw every other person was...

Hey Mom! So my shift got cancelled and I ended up with the day off. Last minute days off are a gift. It's the universe standing well outside your personal space and say Hey, whatever you want to do today... you can totes do.... well except make money because you aren't working today... and crime... well I mean you could do crime if you really want but you know.... felonies have consequences... anyway I'll leave you to it.  I started my day off by wandering around the house and losing my coffee cup several times.  Like here, behind the tv for no reason. It's like a where's Waldo but with trash! I was cleaning the bathroom, I was not pooping. I left in the microwave after heating it up because I left it in the bathroom. AND THEN I REMEMBERED DOOMSDAY PREPPERS! If you don't know, Doomsday Preppers is a tv show where people demonstrate their preparations for variou...

Hey Mom! A lot of people have been asking me what I've been doing with my time off since practicum. Well, this week I was watching some youtube videos when I suddenly fell into the loving arms of Milù, Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, please stop giving your weighted blanket human names... it's weird. I will have you know, that Milù (at least I think that's her name) does crochet tutorials.  I don't know if it was her soothing voice or hot pink acrylic nails but I was immediately entranced. Unfortunately for me, those tutorials are entirely in Spanish  BUT  (and it is a big but) I know some numbers in Spanish and so I figured I would give it a go. As far as I can tell the pattern is for a large shirt so I do the first row of stitches and realize that something is wrong. When I wrap it around myself it is tight , like could hulk out and destroy it tight. The pattern must be a children's large. No problem! As a beginner-intermediate crocheter, I dec...

Hey Mom! So lately I've been trash-talking Chris Hemsworth a lot on social media. Now I know what you're thinking Mack, why are you bullying Thor? Listen, liiiisten, liiiiiiiisteeeeennnnn, is it technically bullying? No, it's actually just gossip because, as you may have guessed, Christopher is unaware of my chirping. The real question is how did we get here? Yes, we, we are in this together now. Well, in January (20Greateen) I saw Thor Ragnorak and thought "Thor has great triceps." and then a green tide of jealousy overtook me and I knew that I needed to get myself some beautiful triceps. So I decided to start lifting weights for the first time since my back injury. Has it been a very good experience that has contributed to my overall health? Yes! Is that a logical reason to start lifting weights? Absoluuuuutely not. Anyway, it started out as inspiration but much like most things in my life it quickly descended into a very stupid joke: I am coming for your ...

Hey Mom! So I've found a compelling reason to shave my legs. Now before anyone gets upset I would like to state the following: Calm your nuggets, Barbara . Shave your legs. Don't shave your legs. I don't care what you do with your haunches.  As you know, I'm pretty ambivalent when it comes to leg-shaving. I shave my legs when I go clothing shopping because it makes the process more aerodynamic. I shave my legs when I want to listen to music but also pretend like I'm being productive. I also don't shave my legs more than 2-3 times a year because it's not really a priority in my life. Now, I know what you're thinking: Hey Tarantula Legs, none of those sound like compelling reasons to shave. First of all, rude! Secondly, I'm getting to that, Duncan, let me craft my narrative! Today was my first workout in awhile. So I decided (was forced to by the incompetent flesh sacks that are my lungs) to keep it short. Having recently come to possess some ...

Hey Mom! So I thought with all the casket talk last week, I would lighten the mood with a post about Christmas baking. I made my foray into the world of Christmas baking last year and I actually found myself looking forward to it this year. As it turns out it is very difficult to mess up baking which makes it exactly within my wheel house... or so I thought. DUH DUH DAHHHHHHHH <-- Please imagine Belt from The Croods during this part, would have been easier if I had told you before? Yes. Am I going to change because I'm still actively writing this post? Absolutely not. So there I am, frantically stirring caramels. The seething mass of brown delight -hmm... that didn't really denote the gustatory euphoria I was hoping but we're moving on- is so close to being ready. Much like a surfer, I ride the wave, precariously balanced between perfection and utter destruction. That is until the candy thermometer flipped and I was knocked off my proverbial surf board and into t...

Hey Mom! So I was googling the price of a casket the other day. Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, even for you that's a bit morbid. Listen, liiiisten, liiiiistennnnn: Someone told me how expensive funerals are and I absolutely could not believe it. Who do they think we are? Some kind of pharaoh?! So what other recourse did I have? I had to turn to the internet to substantiate such a wild claim. So anyway, there I am, on the google, when I came across CasketDepot.ca That's right ladies and gentlemen, there is a one stop shop for all your casket needs (now accepting PayPal and Air Miles). I'm not entirely sure why I find shopping for a casket in the comfort of my own home so wholly unsettling. But what other option do we have? Imagine trying to shop for a casket with a salesperson hovering around you. "Can I help you with anything?" "No thank you, you gaunt gatekeeper of after-life boxes! Stay away from me--" *squints at gloss fini...

Hey Mom! So I thought long and hard about whether this is appropriate to post. Now, I know what you're thinking: Mack, you posted about dropping your menstrual cup in the toilet. What could possibly more inappropriate? Excellent question! I laughed during a Remembrance Day ceremony this year. Now, you're probably horrified (as you should be)... please allow me to explain: A local government official got up to speak and after they were finished they announced that their family had prepared a song that they would like to dedicate to the soldiers. So they start singing an a cappella version of 'You Raise Me Up'. At this point, it was not funny and no one was laughing. Now I consider myself to be a relatively tone-deaf person, so when I say it was off-key, it was off key. As you may or may not know, that song is not a short song.  At this point, it was not funny and no one was laughing.  It's snowing, the high school band kids have no mittens and Josh Groban is...

Hey Mom! So the scariest thing this Halloween was surprisingly not the haunted houses, costumes or terrifying movies. I actually traumatized myself this year. Now Mom, I know this blog is generally directed at you but you might actually want to skip this one. Ok... you had your chance! I DROPPED MY MENSTRUAL CUP IN THE TOILET! This is a menstrual cup. It was red when I bought it. Calm down. Now I know what you're thinking Mack, seriously?!? Period talk? Gross. YES IT IS! YOU HAVEN'T LET ME FINISH TELLING MY STORY,  LYLE! So anyway, I drop the cup into the toilet. At this point, I have resigned myself to the fact that this cup is garbage now. No amount of sanitization will restore my peace of mind. So I decide to try to use the toilet brush to scoop it out. IT ROLLS BACKWARD. So now I can't see it. It's gone. I repeat: THE RED OCTOBER IS MIA! I am not going to lie to you, I stood there for 10 solid minutes seriously considering whether to flush it d...