Hey Mom!

Hey Mom! So I've found a compelling reason to shave my legs. Now before anyone gets upset I would like to state the following: Calm your nuggets, Barbara . Shave your legs. Don't shave your legs. I don't care what you do with your haunches.  As you know, I'm pretty ambivalent when it comes to leg-shaving. I shave my legs when I go clothing shopping because it makes the process more aerodynamic. I shave my legs when I want to listen to music but also pretend like I'm being productive. I also don't shave my legs more than 2-3 times a year because it's not really a priority in my life. Now, I know what you're thinking: Hey Tarantula Legs, none of those sound like compelling reasons to shave. First of all, rude! Secondly, I'm getting to that, Duncan, let me craft my narrative! Today was my first workout in awhile. So I decided (was forced to by the incompetent flesh sacks that are my lungs) to keep it short. Having recently come to possess some

Hey Mom! So I thought with all the casket talk last week, I would lighten the mood with a post about Christmas baking. I made my foray into the world of Christmas baking last year and I actually found myself looking forward to it this year. As it turns out it is very difficult to mess up baking which makes it exactly within my wheel house... or so I thought. DUH DUH DAHHHHHHHH <-- Please imagine Belt from The Croods during this part, would have been easier if I had told you before? Yes. Am I going to change because I'm still actively writing this post? Absolutely not. So there I am, frantically stirring caramels. The seething mass of brown delight -hmm... that didn't really denote the gustatory euphoria I was hoping but we're moving on- is so close to being ready. Much like a surfer, I ride the wave, precariously balanced between perfection and utter destruction. That is until the candy thermometer flipped and I was knocked off my proverbial surf board and into t

Hey Mom! So I was googling the price of a casket the other day. Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, even for you that's a bit morbid. Listen, liiiisten, liiiiistennnnn: Someone told me how expensive funerals are and I absolutely could not believe it. Who do they think we are? Some kind of pharaoh?! So what other recourse did I have? I had to turn to the internet to substantiate such a wild claim. So anyway, there I am, on the google, when I came across CasketDepot.ca That's right ladies and gentlemen, there is a one stop shop for all your casket needs (now accepting PayPal and Air Miles). I'm not entirely sure why I find shopping for a casket in the comfort of my own home so wholly unsettling. But what other option do we have? Imagine trying to shop for a casket with a salesperson hovering around you. "Can I help you with anything?" "No thank you, you gaunt gatekeeper of after-life boxes! Stay away from me--" *squints at gloss fini

Hey Mom! So I thought long and hard about whether this is appropriate to post. Now, I know what you're thinking: Mack, you posted about dropping your menstrual cup in the toilet. What could possibly more inappropriate? Excellent question! I laughed during a Remembrance Day ceremony this year. Now, you're probably horrified (as you should be)... please allow me to explain: A local government official got up to speak and after they were finished they announced that their family had prepared a song that they would like to dedicate to the soldiers. So they start singing an a cappella version of 'You Raise Me Up'. At this point, it was not funny and no one was laughing. Now I consider myself to be a relatively tone-deaf person, so when I say it was off-key, it was off key. As you may or may not know, that song is not a short song.  At this point, it was not funny and no one was laughing.  It's snowing, the high school band kids have no mittens and Josh Groban is

Hey Mom! So the scariest thing this Halloween was surprisingly not the haunted houses, costumes or terrifying movies. I actually traumatized myself this year. Now Mom, I know this blog is generally directed at you but you might actually want to skip this one. Ok... you had your chance! I DROPPED MY MENSTRUAL CUP IN THE TOILET! This is a menstrual cup. It was red when I bought it. Calm down. Now I know what you're thinking Mack, seriously?!? Period talk? Gross. YES IT IS! YOU HAVEN'T LET ME FINISH TELLING MY STORY,  LYLE! So anyway, I drop the cup into the toilet. At this point, I have resigned myself to the fact that this cup is garbage now. No amount of sanitization will restore my peace of mind. So I decide to try to use the toilet brush to scoop it out. IT ROLLS BACKWARD. So now I can't see it. It's gone. I repeat: THE RED OCTOBER IS MIA! I am not going to lie to you, I stood there for 10 solid minutes seriously considering whether to flush it d

Hey Mom! So this is going to be a weird(er than usual) one, I'm just going to jump right in. I had this weird memory from my childhood sneak up on me the other day: In the third grade, this kid wore a black magic glove all day (now you are probably imagining a sequined magician's glove, I'm talking about those 99 cent gloves that we all wore under our mittens when we went tobogganing).  Behold! The magic glove! The teacher was all "Dude, what's with the glove?" and apparently he had burned his hand and so his Mom put a bandaid on it, covered it with the glove and told him not to take it off for ANY REASON. The teacher is all "Ok that's weird but good luck that." and carries on with her day. But then we get to gym class and this kid has a full on yelling match with the gym teacher re: the magic glove. The gym teacher tells him the glove is unnecessary, he says he is not allowed to take the glove off for ANY REASON.  Eventually, the g

Hey Mom! The last time I lost my temper was 2014. I'm telling you this because I know that this blog takes on a ranty tone every now and again which might lead you to believe I have the tendency to fly off the handle. Typically, this is not the case. But on this day, October 9th, 2018, I was tested.  I raised my voice at someone at work today. Not because they were a little hard of hearing. Not because I was excited that we got a new skeleton foot in. Because my patience was gone and my customer service voice went with it. So now what? I'm so glad you asked. I JUST LISTENED TO DISTURBED AND I'M READY TO FIGHT, MY DUDES! So I've compiled a list of people that, in this moment, I'd like to use my rage momentum to start a fight with. The guy at the Costco gas bar who pulled up ten feet away from the pump and then standing in the middle of the thru-lane because his gas tank is on the opposite side. THREE people could've nourished their car with earth

Hey Mom! So the first week of classes has come and gone and the first few days were like this: "There aren't enough hours in the day! Look at all the books I could lose! I would have to tear down the entire amazon rainforest to generate enough cue cards for this course!" This is 1600 of 1800 cue cards that I purchased... time will tell if this was overkill Now if I'm honest (and I'm nothing if not honest), I have a flair for the dramatic.... well actually it's a flare for the dramatic... it's a stick on fire that I wave around while yelling "LOOK, LOOK AT THIS!"  ***EDUCATING THE YOUTHS ON THE NUANCES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WHILE ALSO DEMONSTRATING TERRIBLE USE OF THE COMMA 4X MULTIPLIER*** Anyway, Saturday rolled around and I finally morphed into my  I dare you form.  Some would say this is because I'm competitive, others would say it's because I've lost my ever-loving mind. Frankly, I don't care the reason because

Hey Mom! So last week it might not surprise you to learn I ended up in a waiting room at a walk-in clinic. This is my story: It's going to be at least an hour wait.  I already regret the decision to come here. Suddenly from across the room, a two-year repeatedly points at me and yells "MOM, THAT'S MY GIRL, I LOVE HER!" Which causes everyone to turn and stare at me, probably because they assumed I know her and wanted to see a real life kodak moment.  But I don't, so I focus really hard on my kneecap and start to weigh the pros and cons of getting up and leaving because my face is now on fire. Then I hear the loud, speedy footsteps of a toddler going on an adventure before their parents can stop her. "Hi!"  "Hello," Now I'm setting an example for the youths so I have to look up from my kneecap. "My name is Quinn, what's your name?" She is absolutely adorable, like if Nemo was in tiny human form. A pure soul. &quo

Hey Mom! So recently I almost ended up in the emergency room due to an asthma attack. In the past, I've been accused of being reckless when it comes to how I choose to handle my respiratory system. To address such accusations, I would like to offer the following commentary: Yes , in my youth, I did incredibly stupid things, some of which resulted in completely preventable trips to the emergency room. But I learned from those experiences which is really the whole point of adolescence. Yes , I do like to sit on the couch and see how long I can hold off taking my inhaler. Is this inherently risky and have I accidentally trained my body to shut out the sound of my own wheezes? Yes. Is this game of chicken necessary? No, but I think if you never push the limits of your body you'll never know what it's capable of. Yes , there was an incident on Thursday which resulted in my coworkers and roommates getting a little bit of a scare. Am I apologetic? Yes. Is it completely in

Hey Mom! So this past weekend my roommates got married. Now I know what you're thinking:  Mack, two weddings on the same weekend? Why would your roommates do such a thing? No no no to each other , silly. Otherwise this blog post would be dripping with the dramatic telling of how two roommates planned their wedding for the same day in a larger-than-life game of relationship chicken. It would be a gripping tale about the boundaries of friendship in the pursuit of a fairytale wedding... this post won't be nearly as interesting. Instead, I'm talking about donuts! I would like to preface this tale by telling you that I had only two responsibilities during this wedding so I know my stress level was minimal compared to literally everyone else involved: 1. Don't lose the keys to hall. No problem, I have pockets and lanyards. Cake walk. 2. Receive 200 donuts on the morning of the wedding and place them on a pre-constructed peg board. Sounds like a super fun activity righ

Hey Mom! (And Mrs. Edworthy) So I feel like after a year my acclimation to the Edmonton area has finally reached completion as I attended my very first K-Days on the weekend. This is the only picture I took, I liked the font. If you are unfamiliar, K-Days is like Calgary Stampede with a tight crop and a matte finish. It's less of an in your face (glossy) cowboy theme but also instagram size instead of a solid pano.... I had a wonderful time, I saw the Beach Boys and ate mini doughnuts and even hopped on some rides, which brings me to my next point: STOP MAKING ME GO INTO HAUNTED HOUSES! You guys know I hate it. Every. Single. Time. I hate it. Now I know what you're thinking Mack, what does this have to do with K-Days? Excellent question! My co-worker's daughter asked me to accompany her on a haunted house ride. Now this ride lasted all of two minutes, which probably doesn't sound that bad. I'd like to take this opportunity to say IT IS THAT BAD! I

Hey Mom! So recently I purchased a heavily discounted diffuser with some essential oils. Now, some of you are rolling your eyes and saying something I've heard a thousand times before That's just a placebo. I hear this all time about all sorts of things: essential oils, echinacea, deodorant. ~LISTEN~ Let's suppose, for a moment, you are correct and everything is a placebo. Why are you raining on my parade here? If my brain has enough dumb to get a whiff of grapefruit and feel energized then LEAVE IT ALONE! Maybe that's the only slice of rainbow I have in a world on fire. ~LISTEN, LISTEN ~ If I was being pushy about the whole thing, absolutely get into an argument with me. Now I know what you are thinking Mack, you are being kind of pushy... To that, I would say I'LL SHOW YOU PUSHY CHARLENE! Ohhhh you're using Advil, well advil is a chemical and those are ALL definitively bad for you! Why don't you just rub some tea tree oil in your eyes? So

Hey Mom! I wooed the crap out of a physician....  Well, more accurately I went to a walk-in clinic and the doctor was like who's your doctor? and then I was like no one and looked down at my shoes and the doctor was like here take this sheet and let someone take some of your life force [blood]  and I'll be your doctor. So there I was, living the dream. Until my doctor called me. That's right! My doctor called me! Now I know what you're thinking: Mack, open and honest communication is important! To that I would say, the following: Hold on. Hold on! HOLD! ON! You don't have all the information yet (because I've structured this narrative poorly)! He told me "No news is good news." AND THEN HE CALLED ME.  Now at this point, I'm just trying to play it cool because I don't want to get blacklisted from the medical community so when they told me I had to wait 4 days to get an appointment I said "Sounds good, have a lovely afternoon!&qu

Hey Mom! So once again, I am back and ready to discuss something that makes perfect sense to regular adults but zero sense to me! I need a family doctor and I've been trying to figure out how to.... you know... do that. So finally, I just called a clinic and they said there is a meet and greet so you can get to know your would-be physician. First of all, this is pointless because I've already read everything that has ever been posted about them on the internet. I'm talking google reviews, rate my doctor, checked for a twitter profile, etc., BUT THEN I REALIZED THEY COULD REJECT ME?! Hold on. Hoooooold onnnn. HOLD ON!  I live in Canada, I dwell in the comfort of knowing that even if I have no money, I can walk into an emergency room and after hours of waiting and having to make small talk with somebody's mom who just won't leave me alone, someone with a medical degree will eventually walk into the room and think that they are helping me. But this whole mee

Hey Mom! Sometimes I have nothing to say. Sometimes the blinking cursor feels like                                                                all                                                                    the                                                                       things                                                                              I've                                                                                  missed.

Hey Mom! So up until 10 minutes ago I was the proud owner of an Instant Pot.... don't worry, the Instant Pot is fine but I am emotionally scarred and if my soup is ruined, I'll probably shed a few tears. I decided that I would make my favourite soup (zuppa toscana from the Olive Garden), so I went to the grocery store and splurged on bacon and kale (self-care looks different for everyone, don't judge me). Everything was going well, I was cheffing so hard. Chopping, sautéing, slicing, dicing, stirring. I was holding my own in what is usually my least preferred arena of competition. And then came time to call upon the pressure cooking powers of the Instant Pot. Some would say it's a foolproof process.... those people have never seen what I am capable of.... BEHOLD! The Mount Vesuvius of Toscana Soup! I now live in a seascape of Italian herbs and spices..... it's on the counters and cupboards and in my eyes. I wish I could go back and don safety glasses

Hey Mom! So I've figured out this whole 'self-motivation' thing. You're welcome! I know what you're thinking Mack, many people with more education, life experience and good looks than you have been studying the art of motivation for decades! How have you accomplished such a feat?!? The short answer is that I have turned to chemical enhancement. The long answer is forthcoming! Steps to a Productive Day: Get up! This is probably the hardest part for most people. I like to promise myself food or set a really loud and scary alarm clock. Waste most of your day! This is definitely the easiest part. Lately I've been playing a lot of Pocket Camp which (while incredibly empowering) is a complete and utter waste of my time. There are so many other more better things I could be doing! But planting my butt on the couch and draining the hours away on a bit of Pocket Camp reaallly drains those long hours out of my day. This is my character: she is zany and has gre

Hey Mom! You know what people never get tired? People posting about their 'fitness journey' on the internet! But this is no ordinary fitness tale! This is an interactive (ish) photographic journey of my kinda gross gym!  *** 3x exclamation point multiplier!!! (also I'm sorry but I just got back from the gym so I am full of whatever hormone drives people to use such ebullient vocabulary)*** I did not want to go to the gym tonight. In fact, I even typed 'Is is dangerous to go to the gym while cold and tired?' into google. And you know what the google told me? The internet said that unless I have a bleeding disorder to go to the gym. So I put on my most hilarious tank top and galaxy headband and stalled for an hour and then went to the (kinda) gross gym.  Firstly, I stepped in this puddle, it's not relevant to this post but I wanted you to know. A couple weeks ago my roommate pointed out to me that this spit has been there since we started going to

Hey Mom! It was very briefly jean jacket season this week. Now I have a confession to make, I have resisted the siren call of the jean jacket. I know what you're thinking Mackenzie how could you not see the appeal of versatile, layerable jacket that is, no doubt, the centre piece of what the youths call a 'Canadian Tuxedo'? To that I would say that first of all, a Canadian Tuxedo was a Canadian Tuxedo loooong before the youths stumbled upon that particular piece of vernacular. Secondly, I know ok? What do you want to hear? That I was wrong? Oh.... ok, yeah I was wrong. So anyway, for the briefest moment in time this week it was jean jacket weather. And you know what I love about jean jacket weather? Of course you do! Unafraid we shed our puffy winter coils and reach for the sunshine. And as if it knows the cold we have suffered, as if it can see our chilled marrow, the jean jacket absorbs the golden rays and holds them for us. That we might, at long last, feel the war

Hey Mom! I am a curious being. You know this. One of my many curiosities is health food. I like the idea that there is some combination of proteins, lipids and carbs out there that will transform me into a super human. I also often wonder why on earth all the super veggies taste like poison. You guys, we have adapted over many, many, maaaaany years to survive by not touching things that are hot and washing our hands after we use the bathroom. So when I made lunch today and my body screamed "No, no, this is poison, no!" I had to stop and wonder whether this was my primal instincts trying to save me from myself. Now I love vegetables! But mostly the run-of-the-mill ones like tomatoes, iceberg lettuce and cucumbers. How am I supposed to reach my true form if I don't delve into the undesirables of the produce aisle? I'm talking arugula, wheat grass and rapini. For those of you who don't know, rapini is an abomination that is related to broccoli BUT (and as yo

Hey Mom! So I was sending out emails at 2am this morning (as one does) and one such email needed to include a paragraph about myself. OK BUT WHY THOUGH?!? Here's the thing, I could write 17 different paragraphs about who I am as a living, breathing, complex, multicellular organism and they could all be true! Examples are forthcoming (don't worry I didn't do seventeen paragraphs... I could though... totally could): The Professional Paragraph: To Whom it May Concern, My name is Mackenzie and I am a recent university graduate. Furthermore, my use of commas and transition words is intended to demonstrate my level of education. Wait for it; that was a semi-colon. I am being very serious to demonstrate to you that I can pretend to take myself seriously. Allow me to list only my hobbies that sound like things adults should spend their time on and casually include my accolades for you. Even superheroes need to know how to write a professional cover letter. The F

Hey Mom! So you may have guessed by the title of this blog, I am going to launch into an inspirational narrative about how your past does define you and your future is so so bright and wonderful... You would be wrong, that would be a terrible guess. I don't understand why you can't just walk up to someone and say "So what's the backstory here? I'm not trying to be mean but I really want to know why you've decided to do what you're doing." Is it important to my life? No. Is it any of my business whatsoever? Absolutely not. For example, a few weeks ago my roommate and I started frequenting the gym after work. About halfway through our workout two guys come in and one of them works out while the other one sits on his phone at the front desk. To be clear, I have no problem with these guys, it's not like the guy who isn't working out is walking around being creepy and mouth-breathing all over the equipment. He's minding his own business w